I Self Deceive

I find it difficult to know how (and when) to write about our process these days. John's parents are visiting from Brazil. This is a wonderful blessing. John completed two weeks of radiation to his right hip. This was a huge blessing in that it decreased his pain significantly and increased his ability to walk, sit, sleep, etc. His calcium level wasn't too bad last week. His hemoglobin was low, so he had a blood transfusion. All of these things are the externals of our lives, but represent only a drop in the bucket of the true "goings on" of the Fawcetts. I will simply say that the LORD is bringing me through a time of purging and confession that is painful.

The LORD has given me multiple opportunities to see the depth of sin in my heart. I know now, like I have never known before, that I am capable of any sin. I am utterly dependent on Christ to walk in truth and combat lies. I have long chuckled at our friend Mario Bergner's teaching that includes an out loud group confession, "I self-deceive." My circumstances up to this point have not shined so bright a light on this particular flaw in my character. However, I can now utter this confession having experienced this sin as moving from "things unknown" to "things known". I am cut to the heart to have the LORD show me the selfishness and lack of love in my heart.

Lets just say that when those warm feelings of romance wear off, for better or for worse is not so easy. What is it that motivates me to continue to love? I mean love the verb, not love the noun! I am painfully learning that my first thought is OFTEN not love. My flesh would not happily choose love if left to its own. I am too embarrassed to write the specific things the Lord has been talking to me about. More specific than you will read here, I have had to confess to my husband, my prayer partners and my pastor. I am both horrified by my own sin and amazed that the Lord is loving me and patient with this ongoing process of sanctification.
If you think of it, you can pray for me on Thursday October 11th. I will be speaking to our Moms' ministry on this very topic: For Better or For Worse: Dealing with Difficulties in Marriage.