Isaiah 58: 11

The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs
in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your bones.
You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose
waters never fail.





Monday, December 8, 2008

O Come, O Come Emmanuel

Family Advent Prayers: Full text below.


The weeks before Christmas hold days of anticipation for many of us. Children especially seem to light up as Christmas draws near. Over the last 16 years or so, I have grown in my love for the season of Advent. I can remember getting an Advent wreath when I was a young single gal. I would sit at my dining room table to pray the prayers of expectation by candlelight. I felt it was important to engage in seasonal forms of worship even though I was single. I would open my hands and feel the emptiness. I would open my hands and ask for my hands to be filled with a family.


My Advent prayers are similarly bittersweet this year. There are two little hands in mine. There are radiant faces in candlelight. There is an empty place at out table and a crying in our hearts.


Advent is a journey of opening our hearts to what is yet to come, but has not yet arrived. This year, more than ever, I am looking forward to the life to come. .... no more dyin' there....


Almighty God, give us grace to cast away the works of darkness, and put on the armor of light, now in the time of this mortal life in which your Son Jesus Christ came to visit us in great humility; that in the last day, when he shall come again in is glorious majesty to judge both the living and the dead,we may rise to the life immortal; through him who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

BOCP Collect Advent One


My Advent discipline this year has two parts. The first part was to complete my Christmas shopping before Advent began. I did that, but it was a bit stressful. This leads to the second part of my Advent discipline. I was advised by a friend a few months ago to put earplugs in to realize how loud my internal process is. I thought this was brilliant and tried it. I cannot blame all of my stress on outside factors. However, I decided to put in technological earplugs. The dash to complete Christmas preparations before Advent accentuated the distance between chaotic preparations and peaceful ones. In an effort to become more quiet in this season I have turned off my phone and computer.


Yes, I am sitting here writing on the computer, but this will be it. That's why I am writing this post. There are a few things I need to communicate. I had said a while back that I would write about the last week of John's life by the end of the year. That is not going to happen as I will not be using the computer. I will look to do that writing as a Lenten discipline. Second, I wanted you to know that my neighbor Mary died. I wrote at length about our love for her here. http://margiefawcett.blogspot.com/search?q=I+live+next+door



Charlotte used to say to Mary, "The moment I was born you took my hand I knew we would be best friends forever." Mary was a big part of our lives and provided love and support almost every day. I had the great blessing of being there when she died. May she be gathered into the arms of Christ where every remaining tear in her heart can be washed away.




The photos at the top of this post are from our Family Advent Worship last night. I compiled this simple form of prayer for use at all-church Advent dinners 8 or 9 years ago. Children of all ages enjoy being part of this family prayer. Many blessings as you await The Light of the World this Advent.

Family Advent Worship

Materials Needed:
One large bowl full of beans (or rice, coffee, salt, or sand) one large candle, one small cup per person and one small candle per person (birthday candles are good, but you go through several during Advent).

Leader: The glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. (Isaiah 40:5) Almighty God, give us grace to cast away the works of darkness, and put on the armor of light, Amen.

Leader: While lighting the family candle,
When Jesus spoke to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8: 11-13) Jesus the Light of the world.
People: Jesus the Light of the world

Leader: (Help children memorize this verse and say it with you.)
All we like sheep have gone astray. We have turned every one to his own way. Isaiah 53: 5

Leader: We all have sinned.
People: We all have sinned.
Leader: While scooping beans into your cup, I have sinned.
Each person: Go around the circle and scoop up some beans saying,
I have sinned.”

When each person has a cup of beans, say:

Leader: Jesus said, “I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” John 12: 45-47
Jesus the Light of the world comes to me.

Each person: Go around the circle and light each candle saying,
Jesus the Light of the world comes to me.

Jesus, Name Above All Names
Jesus name above all names
Beautiful Savior, Glorious Lord,
Emmanuel, God is with us,
Blessed Redeemer, Living Word.

Leader: Our King and Savior now draws near: Come let us adore him.

Come, let us bow down, and bend the knee, *
(kneel on the ground)
and kneel before the Lord our Maker.
For he is our God, and we are the people of his pasture and the sheep of his hand. *Oh, that today you would hearken
(put your hand around your ear and stand up) to his voice!

Leader: This is the Word of the Lord
People: Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks be to God. (Shorten or change this reading as needed)

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish this.
Isaiah 9: 2-7, selected (Other readings may be substituted like: Isaiah 40: 3-8, Isaiah 53: 4-7, Isaiah 11: 1-9, Luke 1: 68‑79)

Leader: Thanks be to God for the reading of his Word.
People: Thank you God. Thank you God.

Leader: Light and peace, in Jesus Christ our Lord.
People: Thanks be to God.
(Sing the following song about Light or any other your family knows, like This Little Light of Mine)

We See the Light of Christ
We see the Light of Christ
Our eyes look up to Him
He is always with us.

Leader: The Lord be with you.
People: And also with you.
Leader: Let us pray. (You may hold hands during the Our Father)

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.

Leader: Let us bless the Lord.
People: Thanks be to God.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Grateful and Grieving

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34




Charlotte is the center of the back row.

We are grateful and grieving this Thanksgiving. Yesterday Charlotte's school had Grandparents' Day. We all watched as they sang, "I Stand in Awe of You." My Mom and I were caught off guard by our tears and the heart-wrenching experience of seeing this little girl so full of life and joy. John would have loved to have been there. Tender moments of life bring this curious combination of sweet joy and stabbing pain.


My neighbor Mary is fighting for her life in the hospital. As I sang over her and prayed for her yesterday I was reminded of the frailty of life. Give thanks to the Lord for He IS good; his love endures forever.


Josiah with our neighbor Mary last Thanksgiving.

I received two phone calls this week about my sweet potato spoon bread recipe. I think I wrote the story about it last Thanksgiving. Since its such a popular dish, thought I would post the recipe again. Its too late to make it for your feast today, but perhaps you can enjoy it at Christmas.


Sweet Potato Spoon Bread
(Margie c/o Martha Stewart)
Serves 8-10


3 large sweet potatoes
¼ c yellow cornmeal
2 c milk
4 T unsalted butter
¼ c light brown sugar
¼ tsp freshly grated nutmeg
¼ tsp ground cloves
1 ½ tsp cinnamon
1 tsp salt
½ tsp all-purpose flour
¼ c honey
4 large eggs
1 c heavy cream

1. Heat oven to 400 degrees. Bake sweet potatoes until soft when pierced with a knife, 40 to 45 minutes. Let cool. Peel, and discard skins.
2. Reduce the heat to 350. In a medium saucepan over medium heat combine cornmeal, milk, butter, brown sugar, spices, salt and 1 c water. Cook, stirring, until slightly thickened, about 10 minutes. Let cool.
3. Butter a two-quart baking dish. Place cornmeal mixture, sweet potatoes, flour, honey, eggs, and cream in a food processor. Process until smooth; pour into dish. Bake until golden brown, about 45 minutes. Serve.

Margie’s editorial notes:
I love this recipe, but it is a little “high maintenance”. Because of this, I make it only once a year, but I double it. I make a double batch for Thanksgiving. I bake one pan of it, the other pan I cover with saran and foil and pop into the freezer unbaked. Put the frozen one into the frig the night before Christmas and bake up a “fresh” one for a holiday meal then. Voila! (Be aware that it will probably need to bake a bit longer.)

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Happy Birthday John


We made it through another birthday. John would have turned 47 on October 21st. Its was a painful day for all of us. I took the kids to the cemetery to put up a cross. This is the first thing there to mark the grave, as the headstone has not yet come. We put the cross into the ground and looked at the grave. We sang Happy Birthday to Daddy.



The kids ran around and climbed trees. I sobbed and sobbed. I was glad I had made plans to be with John's sister Katherine and a few other friends for dinner. We all shared how we have been doing and had a wonderful time laughing and crying. There is no way to express the loss of a person. Each of us are irreplaceable and the loss of a loved soul is excruciating.




About a year ago I gave a teaching on difficulties in marriage for our Mom's group. If you are interested in hearing it, the post is labelled audio available in the right sidebar. Many friends asked me how I was able to put together a teaching in the midst of this difficulty. I don't know how I answered that question then, but the teaching came easily and with joy. Writing and giving talks is part of what makes my heart sing, so even though the topic was difficult, it brought me joy. I bring this up to say that I think the time for me close this blog is approaching. It is very difficult for me to keep up with writing right now. When John was sick, I would get the kids in bed by 8pm, John settled in by 10pm and then I would write for several hours. I no longer have that kind of stamina, nor do I have the grace to process this experience for anyone but myself. I trust completely in the Lord that "unless a seed falls to the ground and dies it cannot give new life." I do not know what new life will come as a result of putting this blog to rest, but I trust that seasons of writing and sharing are ahead for me.


I am not going to end the blog just yet, but wanted you to know its coming. There is one more thing I need to do before I say good-bye. I must write out the last week of John's life. I need to do it for my own healing and I want to fill in the gaps for all of you that followed along. I do not know when I am going to get to this, but I loosely have a goal of completing it by the end of the year.

I may start a new, simpler blog that would have pictures of the kids and a bit of family life. We'll see. I'm not making any promises.


About a year ago I posted that I found out how to make The Fruitful Vine into a book. When I said, "book" I meant "scrapbook." I have no intentions of publishing this material, simply printing it in hardcover as a keepsake for the kids. If I were writing as if this would be published, I'm not sure I would have had the freedom I have enjoyed here.

In honor of John's birthday, I have included two pieces of music from the communion at our wedding. John was doing what he loved most- leading worship. You can hear his strong, joyful voice singing as well as his skillful piano playing. I hope this music will fill you with joy and hope.



Photo by David Wittig


Even now John is with all the company of heaven singing Holy, Holy, Holy. Amen.

Click to hear John playing "I Just Want to Thank You, Lord" at his/our wedding.

Musicians from Church of the Resurrection on these recordings:
Piano and Voice John Fawcett
Guitar and Voice Ty Warner and Randy York
Vocals Nancy Bergner, Mark McIntyre, Linda Trelease
Saxophone Ian Nevins
Bass Jonathan Fugate
Violin Mike Sethi
Drums Rich Trelease

Click to hear John playing "The Lord Almighty Reigns" at his/our wedding.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

All Saints Day

Today is All Saints Day the day we remember the saints who have gone before us. This year the saints seem much closer than ever before. The early church saints in the far recesses of my memory are now joined by one with whom I shared my life. I know that John did not die into nothingness, but into a new life with Jesus and all the saints.

You are not going to believe what I happened upon in My Documents. Here is a sermon John preached three years ago. He wrote it out word for word. Blessings.


All Saints’ Day Homily
November 6, 2005


Today we are observing a special day of honor for all of the saints and martyrs who have gone before us and who now stand before the presence of God. This feast dates back to around 359, and became linked to November 1st in the Western Church, probably because of the need to counteract the pagan festival of Samhain in Ireland, which is what we see echoes of in our Halloween. But the foundation of the celebration is not in a pagan holiday. Rather, it is in the teaching of the church about the communion of the saints.

Recently, I read a comment about the growing religion of Wicca. Did you know that many Wiccans were originally brought up as Christians, but left Christianity because of its failure to acknowledge the unseen realities that Wicca claims to access? If that is the case, then that is the result of a weak form of Christianity that has failed to grasp the significance of the teaching of the Bible and tradition.

If you have ever read the book of Hebrews, you may recall that in the 11th chapter, the writer compiles a list of faithful believers from the Old Testament who followed God through many difficulties and through much suffering. In every case, they were faithful to hope for the salvation that God had promised, but that they had not yet received. People like Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, Gideon, Samson, David, Samuel, the prophets – people of whom the world was not worthy.

After making that list, then the writer of Hebrews says this in chapter 12, verse 1: Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the sake of the joy that was set before him endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God.

And a bit later in that chapter: You have not come to something that can be touched, a blazing fire, and darkness, and gloom, and a tempest, and the sound of a trumpet, and a voice whose words made the hearers beg that not another word be spoken to them. But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to innumerable angels in festal gathering, and to the assembly of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God the judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.

Did you realize that we are surrounded with that kind of invisible community? When we come into the worship of the kingdom, we enter an assembly that is gathered now in heaven, and there is a whole crowd of angels and saints cheering us on, interceding for us, all through the centrality of the Lamb who is seated on the throne.

Our first reading this morning speaks of that same thing. There, the apostle John in Revelation tells us that he saw a group of 144,000 people marked with the seal of God – 12,000 from each tribe of Israel. But then, the next verse says, “After this I looked, and there was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, robed in white.”


What a fascinating contrast – the perfect number (1000 times 12 for each heir of Abraham times 12 again) – some kind of symbolic count that means, I believe, that every single person who is to be there is there. But the next vision – the multitude is so great that it simply can’t be counted. The vastness of God’s redemptive work is overwhelmingly extensive.

But we in our scientific societies have lost faith in what we cannot see. That is why people are crying out for spiritual reality and for power that is rooted in more than cerebral thought, individualistic, materialistic worldviews.

How often do we remember that unseen reality? How should we respond to its existence?

I’m reminded of a story in the Old Testament. The prophet Elisha was in the city of Dothan, being sought by an enemy king. When his attendant went out early in the morning, he saw an army with horses and chariots all around the city. He said to Elisha, “Alas, master! What shall we do?” Elisha replied, “Do not be afraid, for there are more with us than there are with them.” Then Elisha prayed, “O Lord, please open his eyes that he may see.” So the Lord opened the eyes of the servant, and he saw; the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. (II Kings 6:14-17)

If that was true for the prophet Elisha, do you realize that it is also true for us? It is because we are surrounded with such a great cloud of witnesses that we are encouraged to lay aside the weight of sins that beset us, and to run with patience the race of this life, looking up to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.

So the feast of All Saints is an occasion to be reminded that we are not alone. God’s perfect plan of redemption is going to be completed – we do not have to lose heart because we struggle now. The worship that leads all of the saints to fall down and worship the Lamb is the worship that we are not just called to enter into – it’s one that we are actually a part of whether we fully see it or not.

Perhaps you need encouragement today – take to heart the words of hope that are promised us after we are washed in the blood of the Lamb, and after we die: we will be before the throne of God, worshipping him day and night, and the one who is seated on the throne will shelter us. We will hunger no more, and thirst no more; the sun will not strike us, or any scorching heat; the Lamb will be our shepherd, and he will guide us to springs of the water of life, and God will wipe every tear away from our eyes.

What a privilege then today to bring into this communion those children that God has given us. The water that they will be covered in is not “just water” – just like Rich Trelease’s $20 bill last week wasn’t just a piece of paper. Here we enter into unseen realities and mysteries that will mark the lives of these children forever. If you doubt that, imagine what it would mean to be dedicated to some form of darkness in a pagan ceremony. To be delivered of that influence would potentially take a lifetime. So, to be baptized will place a seal on these children that will call them to faith. That doesn’t mean that they must not submit, confess, welcome and invite Jesus into their lives, and be filled with the Holy Spirit. But it does mean that even though they are not fully conscious of it yet, they are entering into a profound reality that God extends to them, as the source of their lives and their hope of redemption.



Finally, let us ask that we be granted the eyes to see those things that are needful for us in our spiritual pilgrimage. Perhaps that idea can introduce the fear that we could go way overboard on seeing the unseen, and in fact, it is very possible to do that. Remember that our focus is to be on Jesus, the Lamb at the CENTER of the throne; and yet, at special times of spiritual battle, of danger, of discouragement, God may open our eyes to see things that are not unreal, but simply not regularly visible. Simply knowing that that reality is there may serve to build our faith.



[Closing Prayer]



God, place a great peace and deep-rootedness in us today. We are surrounded by saints and angels – Jesus himself at the center. The praise and the prayers of the saints are continuous and ascend on our behalf – we are not alone, nor are we left to our own inexperience, immaturity, and weakness. Our own destiny is secure, even if we have to face a great ordeal. We pray for the unity of the church, and the ingathering of all of those who are yet to receive the revelation of God’s truth and of His Spirit. Lord, open our eyes to see the way we are surrounded by your protection, and to discern the battles that are waged against us. Cause us to remember that we wrestle not against flesh and blood – people are not our primary enemies – but against spiritual realities that hate you and caused your death. We praise you for the privilege of sharing in your sufferings, because we know that your glory has already been revealed in your resurrection and ascension. Glory to you. Amen

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Toothless and Thrilled


The long-awaited moment arrived this evening.






Charlotte lost her first tooth.






She was thrilled to see the tooth sitting on her tongue after tearfully deciding she would NOT pull it out tonight.





Charlotte's thoughts on the event:

"This is a very special and important thing for me."


"I was about to swallow my medicine, and for heaven's sake I'm glad I didn't, because my tooth was suddenly on my tongue!"

"My first step to adulthood." oh my

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Our 8th Anniversary


Photo by David Wittig http://www.davidwittig.com/


Today would have been our 8th Anniversary.


Our dear friends Will and Lisa put this beautiful cross in our yard this afternoon.



Tomorrow evening a few friends that were part of our wedding are gathering to watch a bit of the video and be together. My burden of grief is eased by those who are willing to carry it with me. Thank you, friends.


I spent the entire afternoon trying to figure out how to upload music from our wedding to the blog. We had an audio CD made of the wedding. In truth it was a concert in which we were married! I am still working on this and hope to include some music in the next week or so.


Looking back at our wedding day is bittersweet. I am cut to the heart to be separated by death. I have lost my closest friend and family member. John's absence presses in on me everyday. And yet, I also think of that day with complete joy. John led the Communion worship during the wedding. He was so filled with excitement, nothing could have prevented him from doing so. His delight flooded through him and out onto the piano.


Photo by David Wittig http://www.davidwittig.com/


I had longed to be married for many years. When I got the chance to plan a wedding, I jumped on it like a chicken on a June Bug (nod to my southern family). We had bell ringing, little girls dancing, train bearers, a children's choir, a classical music extravaganza and transcendent worship. We invited the entire church and virtually the entire college campus. On our honeymoon John said, "I think we will always look back on our wedding and exclaim, 'SPECTACULAR!'"

Photo by David Wittig http://www.davidwittig.com/

We have a Wedding Anniversary book we used to write in each year.



You glue in a photo and tell a few of the highlights of your year.






I am perplexed about how to conclude that book today. Will I put a picture of just me and the kids? Will I put a picture of John and me together the night he died? Will it be a picture from his illness? I'm not sure.




When I pulled out the book today a copy of Anniversary of a Marriage fell out. It reminded me that on our anniversary each year we used to pray this together. I will post it in hopes that others of you traversing the journey of marriage will be blessed by it.


This was written to be part of a Eucharistic worship service, so we just adapted the language as needed. The witnesses can be your children or dinner guests… or the great cloud thereof.


Anniversary of a Marriage

O gracious and everliving God, you have so consecrated the covenant of marriage that in it is represented the spiritual unity between Christ and his Church: Send your blessing upon N. and N., who come to renew their promises to each other, and grant them your grace, that they may so love, honor, and cherish each other in faithfulness and patience, in wisdom and true godliness, that their lives together may be a witness to your love and forgiveness, and that their home may be a haven of blessing and peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

Friends in Christ, we are gathered together with N. and N., who have come today to give thanks to God for his blessing upon their marriage, and to reaffirm their marriage covenant.

Celebrant asks the man
N., do you here, in the presence of God and of this congregation, renew the promises you made when you bound yourself to N. in holy matrimony?

The Man answers
I do.

The Celebrant then asks the woman
N., do you here, in the presence of God and of this congregation, renew the promises you made when you bound yourself to N. in holy matrimony?

The woman answers
I do.

The Husband and Wife, kneeling or standing, say together
We thank you, most gracious God, for consecrating our marriage in Christ’s Name and presence. Lead us further in companionship with each other and with you. Give us grace to live together in love and fidelity, with care for one another. Strengthen us all our days, and bring us to the holy table where, with those we love, we will feast for ever in our heavenly home; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

The Celebrant then blesses them, saying
May God the Father, who at creation ordained that man and woman become one flesh, keep you one. Amen.

May God the Son, who adorned this manner of life by his first miracle, at the wedding in Cana of Galilee, be present with you always. Amen.

May God the Holy Spirit, who has given you the will to persevere in your love and in your covenant with each other, strengthen your bond. Amen.

And may God the Holy Trinity, the source of all unity, bless you this day and forever. Amen.


I think this form of prayer is from the Book of Occasional Services, but I’m not sure.
It’s from pp 164-165, but the photocopy does not include the title.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Telemarketers

3-4 months ago:

"May I speak to John please?"

"I'm sorry, he's not available."

"I'll try back."

"OK."

-------------------------------------

Since then I've decided to tell people John died. At first I didn't want callers to be uncomfortable or awkward with the news. But the fact is, I'm the one who is uncomfortable because they CONTINUE calling.

"May I speak to John please?"

"He's not available right now."

"Is there a better time to reach him?"

"Not really."

"I'll try back another time."

"You are not ever going to be able to reach him. He died."

"He died? What happened?"

"He died of cancer."

"Oh man. I'll take him off the list."

"Thanks."


------------------------------------------------

"This is Illinois Right to Life. May I speak with John Fawcett?"

"I'm sorry, he died."

"He died? I'm so sorry. I'll take his name and yours off of our list."

"Thank you very much."

----------------------------------------------

Tuesday: Caller ID Chicago (224) 425-5200

"Yeah, uh, is John there?"

"No, he's not. He died."

"He's dead? Oh... I find that hard to believe."

"Sir? You find that hard to believe? My husband died of cancer in May."

"OK."

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Apples

Keep us, oh Lord, as the apple of your eye.


Hide us under the shadow of your wings.



Hop on the tractor for a ride out to the orchard.


We went apple picking a few weeks ago. It was a gorgeous, sunny day.

Josiah only picked one apple, the one he is eating. He touched many apples and studied them, but he did not pick them.

Charlotte needed a rest after all of that work. It was quite warm and both kids were hot and flushed in the cheeks.



Our neighbor Mary went with us.

Mmm mmmm Good!


Even though we picked apples several weeks ago, I used the last one yesterday. We had apple juice, applesauce, apple pie, apple cake, apple pancakes, apples with sausage and apple crumb coffee cake. Here is a taste of some of the autumn baking at our house.

German Raw Apple Cake (from Mindy)

Beat until frothy: 3 eggs, 1 C oil

Add: 2 C sugar, 1 tsp vanilla

Sift in: 2 C flour, 1 tsp soda, 1/2 tsp salt, 2 tsp cinnamon

Add: 4 C thinly sliced peeled apples, 1/2 C walnuts

Bake at 350 for 45-50 minutes in a greased and floured 9x13 pan.

Icing: 6oz cream cheese, 3 T butter, 2 C powdered sugar, 1 tsp vanilla

Apple Crumb Coffee Cake (created by moi)

2 1/2 C flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp course salt
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
10 T (1 1/4 sticks) unsalted butter, room temp, plus more for pan
1 C sugar
4 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1 1/4 C sour cream
3 C peeled chopped apples (3-4 large apples)
Crumb Topping (recipe follows)

1. Preheat oven to 350. Sift flour, soda, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and nutmeg into a bowl; set aside. Butter a 9x13; set aside.
2. Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy, about 4 minutes. Add eggs, one at a time, until well combined. Add vanilla, and beat until combined. Fold in 2 cups of chopped apple, reserving one cup for the topping. Spoon batter into prepared pan. Toss remaining apples with the crumb topping, sprinkle crumb topping over cake. Bake until golden brown 50-60 minutes. (Don't forget to brew some coffee after 45 minutes or so, so you can have a cozy cup with a warm piece of cake!)

CRUMB TOPPING
1 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp course salt
1/2 C packed brown sugar
1 1/2 C flour
1 1/2 C chopped pecans
12 T (1 1/2 sticks) butter, room temp

In medium bowl, combine cinnamon, salt, sugar and flour. Cut in butter using your hands until well combined and crumbly. Add pecans and apples.


My favorite apple recipe this year came from a cookbook called Dining By Fireflies; Unexpected Pleasures of the New South (Junior League of Charlotte, North Carolina)

John bought this when he travelled to the south for an AMiA (Anglican Mission in America) Conference.


1-21-01
To my dear Margie on the occasion of our first married "separated time."
I missed you!
Enjoy this new addition to your collection.
Love,
John


Apple-Puffed Pancake

6 eggs
1 1/2 C milk
1 C flour
3 T sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 C butter
3 Granny Smith apples, peeled and sliced thin
3 T brown sugar

Preheat oven to 425.

Blend eggs, milk, flour, sugar, vanilla, salt, and cinnamon in large bowl. Batter may remain lumpy. Add butter to 12-inch quiche pan or 9x13 and melt in oven. Add apple slices to heated pan and return to oven until butter sizzles (do not let butter burn). Remove from oven and immediately pour batter over apples. Sprinkle with brown sugar. Bake in center of oven 20 minutes or until puffed and brown on top. Serve with warm maple syrup.

Both kids said, "Delicious!"

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Weekend Retreat for Care -n- Share

Laura, Sandy and Margie

My prayer group went on a retreat this weekend. This is our Second Annual Care-n-Share overnight. (Don't even get me started on the name Care-n-Share. All I have to say is, it wasn't my idea. I preferred Bushwhackers for Truth) I requested this gathering for my birthday last year and now its a tradition. I have been praying, laughing, crying and growing with these gals for fifteen years. We have been through graduations, weddings, childbirth, celebrations, illness and now death.

Last year we drove to Wisconsin for the retreat. This year we stayed local. We wanted to capture every moment possible... without travel. We talked for eight hours the first day.


These girls carried on all night.


What's a girl to do with such wild and crazy friends?


On Sunday we went to a Forest Preserve to read the scriptures and pray for each other. It was a wonderful, refreshing time away. I am thankful. At the same time, getting away made coming home all the harder. I am in a wave of deep sadness and nothing seems to be able to draw me out. I know its bad when the only thing I really want to do is sleep. Speaking of... better get to bed.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Welcome to the Home of our Story


My Mom told me that hanging a black wreath on the front door is a traditional sign of grieving. I spray painted an old wreath and put it on the door. I don't think it looks "nice"... I think it looks TRUE.

Sunday night as we were going to bed Charlotte said, "Wouldn't it be funny if there was a family of cats that could sing?" Since I wanted to get her off to bed more than I wanted to explore this idea I said, "That would be very funny. You think about what that would be like as you are falling asleep. In the morning we will write out the story and illustrate it." In the morning Charlotte reminded me of this idea and we got to work writing her story. She dictated the story to me and I wrote it down. We have three or four illustrations working, too. I helped her with a few transitions, but the work is nearly all of her own creation. We are both proud of this effort.


The Singing Cat Family
by Charlotte Fawcett (published with permission)

It was a cold, dark night and the family of cats that knew how to sing was up on the stage practicing opera. They were good at it. A cat they had never seen before walked into the opera singing. The cat was black and scary. They were afraid and ran away. The big black cat said, "Oh dear! I didn't mean to scare you! I just wanted to listen to the opera."

The family of cats was surprised. They turned and looked back at the black cat. They thought he looked cute. He looked sorry. The cat family said, "What is your name? Where did you come from? Are you lost?" The black cat said, "My name is Chocolate. I was walking through the woods and I heard your opera singing. I wanted to come in and listen. I certainly didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry. Please tell me what you were singing." They said, "We were singing about our family. A person in our family has died, Chocolate. We are practicing for her funeral. Her name is Lonely."

Chocolate said, "I'm so sorry your cat died. Can I come to the funeral?"

The cat family said, "Oh sure, you can come. Our family loves to sing. When we sing it helps us grieve. We miss Lonely so much. Would you like to hear the song?"

Chocolate said, "Sure I'd like to hear the song."

So the cat family began to sing. They sang,

Our child is Lonely.
She has died.
Our child is Lonely,
We are lonely, too.
We are grieving just because we love her.
Her name is Lonely.
We love her so.

The music was so pretty, but it made Chocolate's heart ache. Chocolate could almost feel the cat family's grief in his heart. He said, "Thank you for sharing that song with me. I don't have a family. I feel lonely, too." From that minute on the cat family welcomed the black cat into their home. Chocolate finally had a family and the singing cats sang a happier tune.

THE END

Charlotte is telling her own story. She is grieving, but not in despair. Thanks be to God.


Saturday, September 20, 2008

How do you spell D-A-R-L-I-N-G ?

I know... its been a while.

Thank you for the calls and emails to check in and see if I'm OK... the Fruitful Vine being so... bare these days.

There are so many things on my mind that I would like to write about, but I honestly can't gather up the energy to do it. I parcel out my energy to make it through the day and then that's it. Writing blogs at midnight no longer seems possible. Up until this point I am grateful that I have been able to do the essential things each day. Could things be more organized and tidy? Could we eat less Macaroni 'n' Cheese and more steamed broccoli? Sure, but I think basically my kids are loved and cared for and Charlotte makes it to school each day. While I'm on the topic of school, let me share a few of my favorite Charlotte school quotes.



1. "Oh Mommy! I can't wait to see what Mrs. Kremers and Mrs. Blackburn are wearing today."

2. "I do not like school." Why not? "Because I do not know the Pledge of Allegiance."

3. Charlotte has to come up with four words and illustrations for the letter of the week. This week we did "I." Her words were Ina (as in the gourmet chef Ina Garten), in, inn and inch. She said, "I can't wait until we get to the letter "R" so I can write RUMP.

4. Maddy's Mom came up to me on the playground and said, "Maddy said this morning, "I know Charlotte is the fanciest girl in the class." Now that Charlotte is the fanciest girl, she has a reputation to maintain! She doesn't leave the house without some form of sparkle.



She's lucky I don't care about fashion. If I did, I would never let her out of the house in the things she wants to wear!

5. On the way home from school yesterday, "Mom, I've been praying for you at school everyday. If we have plain prayer or popcorn prayer I pray that you will feel better and stop crying."
6. "Can I call you Elizabeth?"

7. "I would like straight, white-ish hair. Can you blow dry my hair straight everyday?"


Straight? Are you kidding me?


This is the hair after 20 minutes of blow drying and four ounces of gel.


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Birthdays come but once a year... thankfully.

Tomorrow I am going with John's sister Katherine to pick out the headstone for John's grave. I stopped by the cemetery last week in the pouring rain. I wanted to see if the grass had started to grow. There was only a shape of mud and weeds. I sobbed and sobbed in the car. Both kids joined me and wanted to hold my hand while I drove home.

I always feel an undercurrent of pain, but some days are excruciating. I never understood how some days could be harder than others. I know there are good days and bad days, but I never understood how a "special" day could become "especially" hard. Since my last post I have endured both my own birthday and Josiah's birthday. There were sweet things about both days, but they were punctuated by stabbing pain and grief.
I'll never forget the first time John played Happy Birthday for me on the piano. I had never heard anything like it before. It was STRONG and ENERGETIC. It brought me to tears and laughter all at once.

And I will certainly never forget the day Josiah was born.


Here's the proud Papa holding his baby boy.


Josiah LOVED his 3rd birthday.



We took the commuter train to breakfast.



He would like to do this everyday.

The ride was accompanied by his questions, "Are we still on the track? Are we tipping over?"



We had his favorite food for dinner. HOT DOGS.



Roasting hot dogs outside with cousins was great fun.

Joining the Ruch cousins for dinner and birthday cake makes for an instant party.
The theme of the day ... TRAINS.

Mama and Nathanael George helping Josiah blow out the candles.

Josiah felt loved and celebrated.
I felt like I had made it through a major hurdle.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Charlotte trying on Julie's glasses.


Grief is unpredictable. This was one of the hardest days yet. Now that school has started and our summer events are behind us, reality came knocking. I woke up with no energy to start the day. Looking around at the dishes in the sink, the clothes from the trip that need to be put away, the train tracks on the floor... it all seemed magnified. I stayed in my PJs until 5 pm. The only reason I got dressed then was because I had to attend the burial of a chipmunk. Our neighbor found Chippy floating in her watering can. She helped the kids dig a hole and cover Chippy with dirt. Both kids said prayers.


Charlotte wasn't feeling well this morning. I told her the only way she could stay home from school was to be sick enough to need a nap. We all went to sleep and napped the entire afternoon.


When we got up from our naps there was a FedEx box on the porch. I called my friend Julie who had sent the box. She said, "Do you want to open it while we talk on the phone?" I opened the package and found a box of homemade chocolate chip cookies. I could not hold back the sobs. I love homemade chocolate chip cookies, but that isn't why I was crying. It was a moment of grace. I was hurting and lonely and a friend sent me a box of love.

Monday, August 25, 2008

That Wasn't So Bad

We survived the first day of school! Hooray!

Charlotte said she wanted to have poached eggs on the first day of school. My skillet has not yet recovered from the last time I tried to poach eggs, so off to Egg'clectic we went.


This garden was too lovely to pass up for a photo on the way to school.

Charlotte was highly disappointed to discover the school dress code. The children have to wear collared shirts with no pictures or letters. A few minutes in the girls department at Kohl's left Charlotte less than inspired about her wardrobe prospects. Then she saw the black glitter pants. My Mom came through with the sequin (collared) shirt with patten leather belt.


Hugs from Josiah.

Charlotte and I got a quick picture with my parents before class. She told me last night that she was a little bit worried about meeting so many new people. Then she said, "But I was thinking about the other kids. They probably feel the same way. They are afraid to meet me."


There is Charlotte with her pink backpack waiting her turn to greet Mrs. Kremers. Can you see how many flowers the teacher is holding? And yes, that Dad is giving her an apple. I missed the BRING THE TEACHER A GIFT memo.


Charlotte and Mrs. Kremers posing for a photo on the way into class.



Our friend Margaret has been a constant support in the process of starting school. She came to watch Charlotte go through the door to her class. The school hosts a First Day of School Coffee in the morning. Margaret introduced me to 20 of her closest friends at the Coffee. The Assistant Principal came up to us and suggested I look into the HOPE group. The HOPE group is a support group for single parents. He said, "Most of the parents who come to this group are divorced or have never been married, so you might not feel its the right fit for you. I wanted you to know it is available if you are interested." So many things about this brief interaction were challenging for me. I have shed many tears about walking through the first day of school without John. It was a bittersweet day as we celebrated Charlotte and carried loss in our hearts. I guess I thought my sadness would be my own experience. I had not prepared myself for any kind of community acknowledgement of my situation. Of course this dear man didn't do anything wrong, he was only doing his job with love and concern. I did not think I would have to bite my tongue to keep back the tears during the Coffee. It caught me off guard.

And then if simply bringing up my "situation" were not enough, I was hit in the face with the cold water of being called a single parent. I know I am going this alone as a parent, but I had not thought of myself in the category of single parent. I had a great connection with the woman who runs the HOPE group. She described it as a place of support for families that have one parent. She said that her daughter has been helped by meeting other children in the school with only one parent. She said, "They have their own secret handshake in the halls and they feel part of a larger group of kids with the same kinds of struggles."


When we got home we knew we had jumped a big hurdle. This called for a spontaneous Pool Party!


Charlotte said, "Take a picture of us in our jammies for the blog. Josiah is so huggy today."

The first thing Charlotte said after school was, "That wasn't so bad." During lunch she said, "There is one thing we have to do in Kindergarten that troubles me." Oh? "Saying the Pledge of Allegiance. I do not like saying it because I do not know it." (The Pledge of Allegiance is one of the few things I have ever heard Charlotte admit she does not already know.)