Pentecost

Photo by Jesse Covington

Our family at Pentecost last year. We had recently received the news about disease progression.

John had been showing signs of metastasis for months.

Photo by Marci Schmitz

Our family on Pentecost this year... today. John in pain, my face flushed from tears, the kids looking a bit lost.

When John heard that today was Pentecost Sunday he was thrilled. It gave him something to live for. He lives for the gathering of the saints for the Eucharist each week. He has missed church three times in 3.5 years because of his illness. Once he was recovering from brain surgery, once he was in the hospital with pneumonia, and for the other he asked the Lord's forgiveness.

One Sunday in December my brother was visiting. John was very sick and almost died in the night. When he awakened on Sunday morning he insisted on going to church. My brother and I looked at each other in amazement. Then he said, "Why not? That's where he wants to be." I said, "Its true. If he had to pick a place to die, he would choose church." So we wheeled him in to worship.

For the last four weeks John has been telling me that he is going to die soon. He has wrestled in prayer and feels the release of the Lord to come home. When he came to this place in his own heart, he thought he would die right away. Every day he is surprised when he awakens.

We met with Dr. Hantel on Friday. He said that the tremendous swelling in John's legs and hands is an indication that the fluids he receives by IV each week are losing their effectiveness. Instead of pumping the calcium out of the blood, the fluids are remaining in the tissue of his legs and hands. We are faced with the decision about whether to continue these treatments or not.

John and I doing a lip sync at the Redeemed Lives' Leaders Banquet one year ago today. The title of the song... Way Down Deep You're Shallow.

I will leave you with a few things that have been on John's mind lately.

Whenever John feels afraid about the progression of this disease he talks about what the Lord Jesus has been saying to him. "There is to be no fear in going to be with the Lord. When fears and anxieties arise they are the work of the Enemy. They confuse the Truth."

The stresses we are facing make us vulnerable to marital strife. We misunderstand each other's intentions and become easily hurt. Why is it so easy to make my closest ally my enemy? John takes my hand and begins to pray. We confess our fears, our pride, self-centeredness, whatever. We are one. We are in this together.

As John faces the possibility of losing his ability to make decisions or communicate, he is facing the fear of really trusting me. He asks the Lord for his continued blessing of our marriage and he gives thanks for my partnership. Tensions lift and we are united in heart again. Our temptation in this difficulty can be to isolate from one another. The Lord has given us this marriage and we are to work to stay connected. Staying connected can be harder for me than becoming indignant.

And finally, because it is Mother's Day, I will share a mothering image as well. I do not claim to fully understand it, I will simply say that it has ministered tremendous comfort to John in times of intense physical pain. He has awakened several times with the Mother of our Lord on his mind.

When Jesus was suffering the crucifixion, Mary was there. She
comforted him in his pain. She cared for him in his suffering.
She touched his body with love and care. She was with him.

(I'm sure if John had the verbal ability and mental acuity to do so, he would wax on about how the church, being the Bride of Christ, is to bring comfort to a suffering world, too. But I will leave that to him.)

Neither of us know specifically how to obey the Lord in all of this. There is no way to make a plan for the week. We make plans day to day. What seems to be the way forward one day may not be the next. As we asked the Lord for guidance tonight and confessed our fears, we were reminded that there is a way. We don't have to find it! We have it! Jesus said,

"I AM the WAY."

The way is a Person. Our part is to abide, to remain, to continue in His love.

Please pray that we will have the courage and quietness of heart to remain in Christ's love. I know He will be the Way for us.