Now is your time of grief

John's been gone five weeks today.

I have had the privilege of receiving prayer throughout this last year from two wonderful, godly women. Both women have experienced hardship with their husbands' health. Both of their husbands are living, but one has been unable to walk in strength for many years, the other man nearly died of a blood cancer five years ago. These women are full of faith, joy and hope. Every time they invite me to receive prayer, I come away refreshed and hopeful, waiting to see what God will do. When I saw these two women making their way to me at the Wake, their presence assuranced me that the Lord would carry me through and they would be part of the journey.

When I arrived for our luncheon of prayer last Friday Barb said, "There is one thing I want to say to you. It is from the life of Job. 'The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first (Job 42: 12).' What you have been through has broken your heart and upturned your life. None of us can see the blessing now, but the Lord is not finished with your life. There is blessing and good to come." We spent the rest of the gathering talking about how terrible John's death was, weeping and praying.

The word of hope for the future struck me. In a way it shocked me. It had never crossed my mind to think of my life in a before and after kind of way. I had never thought about the blessings or lack of blessings in my future. I guess I haven't really thought about the future. I have been riveted to the present.

I have been reading several books about death, grieving, widows and the like. I have been encouraged by the stories of other women working through this kind of grief. After reading, I put the book down and think, "I'm glad to read this, but I still have to go through it myself."

It reminds me of all the reading I did about childbirth when I was pregnant. I couldn't get enough of fetal development, good nutrition, breathing techniques and what to pack for the hospital. All of these things meant that I was on track for a wonderful blessing... a baby. These were delightful moments of reading tucked in my warm bed. I would show each photo of a developing fetus to John and coo, "That's what our baby looks like now, at 14 weeks and 2 days." Looking forward to the birth was half of the fun... no wait, looking forward to it was basically ALL of the fun about childbirth. The point is this, even though I had read all about childbirth, I still had to do it. I still had to go through the pain. No one else's account of their delivery would take away a moment of my own.

This was about the time they told me I couldn't have pain medication.

One thing that did help in childbirth was having John there. When he put his face close to mine I would say, "You have no idea." Its true. He had no idea, but he was there and that helped. This is precisely the difficulty I face now. I am facing an all-consuming pain and John is not here.

He is not here to talk to about my thoughts and feelings.

He is not here to debrief the funeral and all the friends that were there, the beautiful music, the Spirit-filled readings, etc.

He is not here to share the burden of the children's grief.

He is not here to sit with me and read through every card and remember every person that has shown us love.



Because our lives and hearts were knit together, there is no part of my life untouched by the loss of my husband.


So, can I look forward to the next part of my life being blessed? I have no doubt that God is good and that He will redeem all things. As I read those books on childbirth, I knew that eventually I would be holding a bundle of life.

But at this moment I am facing tremendous pain with no relief in sight.

Josiah born Sept 16, 2005 at 10 lb 13 oz

Keep breathing deeply, Margie. Let the pain roll over you. Don't resist it or run away from it. The only way out is through. Come Lord Jesus, come.

I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

John 16: 20-22