Writer's Block

I have something of a writer's block with The Fruitful Vine. My energies are so directed toward grieving and surviving, I have very little for writing. I think of things I would like to write about, but the idea of sitting down and hammering it out, reading it over, editing the mistakes... ugh. It wears me out just thinking about it.

So here is what I have decided. If you want to read The Fruitful Vine, I ask for some grace for mistakes. I am going to opt for the JUST GET IT OUT THERE mode for a while. I will try to write more frequently, shorter posts with virtually no editing. That's how my life is now anyway. Short bursts of energy, unedited. My soul is so busy with the business of life I have trouble writing a grocery list, much less a blog.

So here goes:




Its nine weeks today since John died. I have trouble believing it. My days are obviously empty of his presence, but in the back of my mind I think he'll walk in the door at any minute. Very frequently I think, "I should call John and tell him..."


I found a good book to read with the children. We read Tear Soup everyday. It has been a gift to all of us. Its a picture book that talks about a lady called Grandy who has suffered a loss. Because the loss is not named, it can become many things for many people. This book is a gentle story of a person in mourning. It has given each of us permission to grieve in our own way. I relate to the illustrations that show Grandy's grief taking so much of her attention that clutter piles up and plants die.






Here are a few quotes from Charlotte this week.

Walking through a parking lot we move quickly to avoid an oncoming car. "Come on Mom, we don't want you to die, too." After Charlotte brought up the idea, I told her that we hope and pray I will live to see her grow up and have her own children. I also told her that Daddy and I had talked about what would happen if we both died. Now she knows what our plans are and how she will be cared for in the event of such a tragedy.

While driving in the car, "I have to wait 30 years before I see Daddy again."

"Daddy was such a sweet man. He gave me whatever I wanted." (I'll wait a while before bursting this fantasy- not the sweet part)

Before falling asleep, "I have been thinking. Pooh had problems in his life. He got over them. That's what I need to do. Get over it."

I know that stories are profoundly important for children. My sister-in-law Katherine and I have put our heads together about gathering good literature to read to the kids. I want wonderful stories about honorable men who fulfill all kinds of vocations including being great husbands and fathers.

Never in a million years did I expect Winnie the Pooh to be the first character to take center stage. Thankfully I read the Pooh stories to Charlotte, so I knew what she was talking about. Her ponderings over Pooh led to a discussion about what kind of problems Pooh had and how he handled them. "What did Pooh do when he got into trouble? He went to Owl, to someone he thought was wise who could help him. Together the group of friends went off to find Christopher Robin." Unfortunately our conversation had to end with, "Ya know, Pooh's problem turned out to be a misunderstanding. Christopher Robin's note said he went to school, not to skull, like owl said. Your problem is real. Your Daddy is dead. But I think we will work through this problem like Pooh did. We go for help when we need it and have lots of friends that want to come with us on the journey."

Speaking of children's literature, did you know that the loss of a parent is a major theme in children's literature?? I had forgotten Babar, the wonderful elephant, lost his mother. As we read it yesterday both kids were glued to the story and studying the illustrations of Babar sitting on the dead body of his mother with tears pouring out of his eyes. Babar sees his mother get shot and killed by a "wicked hunter." I heard Charlotte telling a neighbor this story while they were playing ball. Other characters who lose a parent include:


Heidi
Anne of Greene Gables
Bambi
Balto
Annie
Babar
Cinderella
Snow White
Oliver Twist
Nicholas Nickelby
Pippi Longstocking
Harry Potter
Superman
Batman