His Mercy Is New Every Morning

Buckle your seat belts for this one, friends. It ain't over 'til its over.

I hardly know how to put into words the events of the last few days. My apologies in advance if my boundaries about the private vs the public are a little foggy here. I know there is a difference between what goes on between two people privately and what should be public information. At the same time, I want to share this part of the journey. So, I don't know if I want to put this on my blog because it is the most important thing to me right now, or because of sheer exhaustion, or because it is from the Lord. So, whichever thing or things it happens to be, may the Lord be glorified.

Last night after the prayer and worship John and I talked through what would happen today. We are scheduled to go for IV fluids every M-W-F. We needed to decide if his journey at this time meant that we would choose no longer to go for fluids, seeing as the fluids prolong his life. I have told John many times that I would support him in whatever he chooses. If he wants to go for fluids, great. If he wants to say, "I'm done with the fluids," I'd support him in that, too. We talked again about how the fluids are prolonging his life by flushing the calcium and keeping him hydrated.

He said, "Then I think I should not go any longer."

I said, "OK. So, you are saying that you have heard the Lord call you to come home and you want to stay at home without further treatment."

John said"Yes, I think so. Death seems to be at work."

October 2000, until we are parted by death.

Margie: "Then I want you to hold my hands and say good-bye. I want you to say, 'You've been a good wife, Margie. I'll see you in heaven.' "

I felt I needed to press into this point for some reason.

John said basically that to me.

Then I said, "So, you have said good-bye to me. Is there anyone else you need to say good-bye to? (no) Are you good with the Lord? (yes) OK, then you are free to get into your bed now and die.

Then he said maybe he should go for fluids. "Ahhhhh," I am screaming in my head. "Stop the madness! Make a decision!"

I know when I start shouting in my head that I am not in a place of really listening to the Lord and following His way. I just want resolution and I want it now.

I said, "John, we have got to pray. I am very frustrated. We need the Lord's direction." (Translation, I'm about to throw you out the window. Lord help me.)

For me, this prayer was critical to the submission of my own soul before the Lord. We held hands while I prayed, "Oh Lord, we love you. Help us. Please forgive me for my impatience. Forgive me for my frustration, anger, selfishness, lack of love. We want to follow You. We want to make the righteous decision. If you are asking us to stay at home and let the disease take its course, if this is Your way, we will do it. If you are asking us to continue to go for treatments and "fight" to the bitter end, if this is Your way, we will do it. We need to hear from You this night. We must know in the morning.

After the prayer John held my hands and told me what a wonderful woman I am. Then said, "Margie, you have not accepted all of the sinners that you need to. You have not received the ...."

Me: "Are you saying there is a sin I need to confess?"

John: "No, you have not accepted... you have not received... all of the sinners that you need to accept."

Me: (Don't ask me how I figured this out from his words, honestly I have no idea.) "Are you saying that I need to have another baby?"

John: "Yes. Yes."

Margie: "Are you saying that I am going to have another child?"

John: "Yes, that's right."

Margie: "Well, John, you know I'm good with that. You know that we bought three baptismal candles in Oxford before Charlotte was born. If you are healed, we will have another baby."

Can I give an editorial "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh" here? Can my mind, heart, body, soul be any more thrown between extremes?

When I woke up at 7 this morning, John was not in the room. I went upstairs around 7:45 and John's Mother said, "Have you talked to John this morning?" "No," I said. Mary, John's Mom said, "Well, John knocked on our door at 6:30 this morning and asked us what he needed to do to get ready to go for treatment. He said that the Lord had spoken to him and that he was to go for treatment."

Unbelievable. Before we left for the Cancer Center, John asked forgiveness of both children. He said something like, "Charlotte, Josiah, please forgive me. I said good-bye too soon."

As we drove to treatment this morning I asked John how the Lord had communicated to him in the night. He said, "I assumed that because there was an open door (to death) that the Lord was there. But the Lord was not in the open door. The Lord said, "I will take you when I need you." I told the Lord how hard this is and how much pain there is, but I did not insist on my way."

Me: "You mean you submitted to the Lord?"

John: "Yes."

Me: "Praise the Lord, John. You have chosen to obey the Lord to your own hurt. Now if you die, we will all know it was in the right way and the right time."

John: "Yes, it was not right for me to choose to die or try to expedite the process. I must be released by the Lord, there is not yet freedom for me to die."

I cannot tell you the joy it brings to my heart to see John coming to this place of submission and peace. I would have supported his decision to end treatment, but it just seemed like he wanted to "get it over with". (Not that I would blame him for this feeling, either, my word, this is a long, arduous process for all of us!)

If John is going to die, I do not want to see him die exercising the worst parts of his character. I want to see him die in the goodness of the best parts of his character: perseverance, acceptance and surrender of suffering, integrity, faith, hope, perseverance, etc.

I do not know what the Lord is going to do here, but I'd say pretty much the sky's the limit. The Light of God can break in at any minute in any situation. We cannot control the outcome, we can only submit to Him. He knows and loves us in our most broken, desperate places. Even if John would have stepped through the open door of death this weekend, the Lord would have received him with open arms. But, oh the joy of know that John is choosing to let God call him to himself instead of expediting the process outside of the Lord's way. (I hope you know that I am not making a statement about how anyone else should deal with end of life issues. The Lord speaks a unique and personal word to each of us. Two days from now, the Lord's word to John might be, "Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest." We want to simply obey what the Lord is asking of us today.)

Keep us in your prayers, friends. Pray that the Lord's purposes for John will be accomplished.

John holding Josiah a few minutes after his birth.