Inch by Inch

Since Sunday morning we have noticed a strengthening in John. He thrived at church and has wanted to chat, watch videos and work. He came upstairs for breakfast yesterday which he had not done in days. Charlotte was so thrilled she jumped from her chair and said, "Let's do Advent!" She seized the moment and brought to the table our Advent prayers, bowl of coffee beans and candles. The moment John's body gets a bit of energy, he comes to life with conversations and curiosity. In one such moment, I got out the video camera and got a few of his thoughts. One thing he said was, "It's a battle. Its a battle. I need prayer and support."

If we get behind on the pain medication, John has a great deal of pain. At bedtime last night he groaned, "How would you feel if you kept going down, down, down and others were giving up on you?" We slept through one time for meds and by the time we awakened and tried to get to the bathroom, he was saying, "Is there ever a time when you are dying that its possible not feel such incredible pain? Am I misperceiving the Lord as giving me pain?" But by the time he got back to the bed he said, "Margie, can you believe it? I'm still alive. The Lord is using you, your prayers along with many others. I am learning things I never would have learned." "Like what?" I ask. "How to love the Lord and love your wife in the middle of inexplicable pain."

Today is a day at the hospital. And, glory to God, its going great. I feel the clenching in my jaw beginning to relax. Now that the swelling is going down in John's leg, he is more mobile. Getting into the van was not as huge an issue. We were thrilled with the results of the blood work. He did not need a transfusion! His Hemoglobin is 10.8, Calcium is stable and kidney function is better than it has ever been. So today we receive only IV fluids and a med for Calcium. Even the nurses and doctor are congratulating John. They notice he is alert and not always using a wheelchair.

With a boost of energy returns his desire for delicious food. He has indicated he would like a little more spice/variety in his diet. You can imagine a diet with no salt, sugar or meat could get dull. I said, "Honey, you tell me what you want and I'll go to the moon to bring it here." I ordered a huge Lou Malnati's pizza with sausage, mushroom, onion, garlic, spinach and fresh tomatoes. We had a feast right in the treatment center.

We will return to the hospital next Monday, skipping the previously-scheduled Friday visit. Alleluia.

One other thing: In the middle of the night he said something like, "I am praying for you Margie. I know you are afraid. You are worried about the burden if I die." "I am crying out to the Lord for your life, John," I said.

I am crying out to the Lord for John's life. AND I am terrified that he is going to die. And it is in those moments... terror... when I foreclose on the possiblity of healing and imagine what I will do if he dies. Now, I know that some of this is perfectly normal and even wise. But the Lord is letting me know when a simple wise amount of forethought has moved into the realm of FREAKING OUT. And then I hear the words from I Peter 3, "You are Sarah's daughters if you do what is right and DO NOT GIVE WAY TO FEAR." As I wrote in a previous post (Staying Connected in the Desert), fear is a weapon of the Enemy for many reasons. For me right now, it causes near physical panic and a lack of prayer. As long as there is breath, I MUST continue to pray for healing. The works of God are not based on what I can see, like a deteriorating body. The works of God bring to be WHAT IS NOT.

For years I have taught others about using prayer to build a ministry, a classroom, a home. Its a simple process when I hold the hand of Jesus. I just say, "Lord, I glorify your Name. I invite You to come into this situation. Show me what You are doing so I can simply follow Your lead." And then I see in my mind's eye whatever it is I desire. These desires have included: children worshiping, children filled with joy, weak wills strengthened, boundaries solidified, and now bones healing. All this prayer is is opening my desires to God and making them a prayer, a prayer of holy collaboration with Him. When fear grips me about John's health, my heart pounds, my head falls and sometimes I do not pray. I think I have been afraid to hope, to really, really hope. I find my heart trying to protect itself from being surprised by shattering grief. But once again I must be present to each moment. My walk of faith is opening my heart to the love and goodness of God and trusting Him with my circumstances. I can be present to Jesus at only one moment: this one.

Pray that I will open and entrust my heart to Christ and invite his love to pour into me again and again.

Lord, give me the courage to trust You.
I lift to You my precious husband, John.
I see him playing the piano and leading worship.
I hear his loud, hilariuos laugh.
I see him carrying Charlotte and Josiah on his shoulders.
I see him leading us through Europe as his friend Mario called his tour guiding, "Following the bouncing grey ball."
I see him dashing off to work in the Silver Bullet.
I hear him expounding on Wagner and Berlioz.
I see him alive and well.

Come Lord Jesus, come.
Amen.

Becoming

"The primary job of every father (and mother for that matter) is to become who God has made you to become." This word was given to us by our dear friend Stephen G. John and I were sharing with Stephen and Barbara our disappointments about not walking this journey as well as we would like to. We have moments of hope and moments of despair. When we are listening to the voice of the Lord, we are held steady. When we listen to voices of fear or accusation, we falter.

As we consider how this journey is impacting our children, we were comforted by Stephen's counsel. We cannot control our circumstances. The only thing we can do is to continue to become in Christ. Even though outwardly we may be wasting away, we can continue to say "yes" to Jesus and grow into who He has made us to be. What more does a child want than to see his father meeting each challenge with faith in the goodness of God and perseverance in the valley?

My heart was fortified by this reminder to continue to become. Sometimes I am tempted to give up and let things roll me over like a tidal wave. I can fill my lungs with a deep breath of peace when I think about becoming. I know all I have to do is say, "Yes, Lord." I don't have to figure everything out. I don't have to try to control things. I don't have to mourn the past or fret about the future. It is all in His hands and I say, "Yes, Lord." There is life until our last breath when we are becoming in Christ.

Lord, help me not to resist becoming through my chilly responses of the heart. Forgive me for being critical, blustery and closed. I am warming my hands on the burning fire of your love.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:16-17



"That fierce imprisonment in the self is but the obverse of the self-giving which is absolute reality..."

--The Problem of Pain

Happy Anniversary

Today is our 7th anniversary. I will never forget our glorious wedding day. I am grateful for my husband and all I have learned from him. John is a trustworthy man of integrity. As you can imagine, this season of John's illness has brought a range of difficulties into our lives individually and as a couple. I gave a talk entitled For Better or For Worse: Facing Difficulties in Marriage at our Mom's ministry this week. If you would like to hear it, you can find it on our church's website.
Go here to hear.
For Better or For Worse: Facing Difficulties in Marriage
I think it is about forty minutes long. It tells the basics of our journey in a nutshell. If you do listen, you must imagine yourself going into a beautiful room, surrounded by friends and sipping coffee. You can hear warm piano and violin music as you taste your pumpkin muffin and relish the moments that your children are having fun in the Nursery. This monthly event opens with Morning Prayer and worship, followed by a teaching. In this talk I discuss the difficulities of learning to love in the midst of tremendous stress. I confess ugly sins and welcome the grace of God to wash and cover all of us as we purpose to grow and mature in whatever circumstance we are in.