The Valley of Vision

As I went to grab my glasses this morning, I paused for a moment looking at my bedside table. The Valley of Vision. Next to my new devotional book sat my glasses and my tissues from the long, painful night.

John was not able to sleep much due to pain. I often hear him reciting the Lord's Prayer and the Jesus Prayer in the night. I have not been able to sleep next to John since August. His body is too tenderly pained for me to be close. Last night, his pain was so great, his ability to find a comfortable position impossible. He called out to me knowing that if my presence would not create new pain, that my presence might actually bring him comfort.

The words that flowed out of me, born of the Spirit, freshly bringing Jesus...

The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. In the presence of my enemies, You prepare a table for me. You annoint my head with oil. My cup overflows. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thou art with me. Your rod and your staff they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever...

Lying gently near his frail frame, we both fell asleep for an hour before dawn.

Quarry me deep, dear Lord,

and then fill me to overflowing

with living water.

A small portion of a prayer from The Valley of Vision, A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions, The Banner of Truth Trust, edited by Arthur Bennett, 1975

Thank you Shirley and Dale

Guide Us to Thy Perfect Light

Adoration of the Magi Triptych by Jerome Bosch, Prado Museum

Epiphany.

We use the word to describe a sudden idea, an "aha" moment, a sudden convergence of thought and feeling into a meaningful connection, an illumination of what has been there, but hidden.

Epiphany is the celebration of the Light bursting into the darkness.

Epiphany is always on January 6th, because it follows the 12 Days of Christmas that begin on December 25th. On this day we remember the journey of the kings from the east. They saw an unusual star in the heavens which communicated to them that the King of the Jews had been born. They began a long journey, bearing gifts for the new King. They made a journey of faith to worship. This was not their family of faith, but they were being drawn in by the Star of Light. These kings usher in a new era in history. They are the first Gentiles to worship Jesus, to journey toward him, to bring Him their gifts. They follow a bright star that leads them to the Lord.

The Dürer woodcut, a lifetime impression signed with his monogram and dated 1511, depicts the adoration of the Magi.

These last few months have had their long journeys through dark nights. I have looked up into the dark sky, searching for the star that will keep me moving in the right direction. I did not think about packing any gifts for the trip. What could I give the Lord after an exhausting journey? The only gift I can possibly imagine giving is simply a yielded heart. It sounds quaint and trite and shallow, perhaps, but its true. There is absolutely nothing I could plan to pack or "put on". I came to the end of my own stamina a long time ago.

I have walked a journey of bare-bones humanity. I get up, I do what is before me. I listen for the Lord. My only gift is to simply say, "Yes Lord." My gift is to obey and trust. That is all that is possible. I see no other road. It has not been pretty. Often what the Lord says is, "Let that go." "Lack of love is making this harder for you." "Just do it." My heart has been exposed to the raw, ugly core. And still I hear, "Come to Me. Sit. Give me your burdens. I am here."

There has been no way to plan or prepare. I get up each day trusting that the next step will unfold and that the energy, love and wisdom will be there when I need it. I am amazed to say it has. What I have needed has been there. I am getting a sudden flash of Jesus sending out the disciples and saying, "Take nothing with you, no bag, no tunic, etc." This is not the kind of journey you can pack for. You just set off and trust God for provision because there is nothing else possible!

One gift I have received from the Lord during this journey has been this blog. I have felt supported, true. But its more than that for me. Nothing gives me greater joy than to learn something new, or see something in a new light and then tell someone else about it. I have enjoyed writing about this journey for my own "processing", but my heart leaps with joy when I talk with those of you who say they have been blessed by reading. I just can't believe it! That is the Lord for you. One person suffers and another is blessed through it. That is redemption. Beauty for ashes.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

II Cor 1: 3-7

I have saved this story for Epiphany because it is an example of the Light of Christ bursting into darkness. I received an email from my friend Val back in December. She told me that she had used our story as the capstone of her class, Introduction to Religion. I will let her tell you herself:

Hi Margie. I'm teaching three sections of Introduction to Religion at College of Du Page (about 90 students in all). We are almost to the end of a 16 week semester. It is a general class on religion and how it is studied, but I have total freedom to teach the class any way I want to. I've never been so happy!

Today was my last lecture, and thanks to your blog and the nifty MP3 file I had the perfect way to end the semester. We've just finished three units that were a perfect lead up to presenting your story; for the last four weeks we've been studying religious experience, meaning & suffering, and virtue ethics. Today we looked at your photos, several of the blog entries, and listened to most of the talk. Then we had a class discussion about how you and John have demonstrated each of the virtues through the way you have suffered. At the end of class I asked people to make a list of the three virtues that they thought your testimony illustrated most powerfully.

Prudence/wisdom
Justice
Temperance
Fortitude/courage
Faith
Hope
Love

Most of the students are nominal Christians, plus a few Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists and generally mixed up, sincere seekers after truth. They were TOTALLY into the two weeks we spent on the virtues, and ABSOLUTELY CAPTIVATED by your story. No one dozed off, that's for sure! Now they all want to know what happens, so we will check back in to your blog next week. I'd also like to use it next semester as I'm teaching three more sections of the same class. I could not have devised a better way to end the semester as you and John are living out the realities I've been trying to impart. For example, before we studied the virtues we studied Vicktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. He says there are four anchors that enable us to find meaning in suffering: making a difference for good, living for those who need us, the contemplation of beauty/truth/goodness, and dying with dignity. You and John would make high marks on the "meaning scale" too!

___, my most committed and thoughtful atheist, wrote in a paper that he'd never met a Christian who wasn't just as terrified of death as everyone else. It seemed to him that if Christians really believed what they said about eternal life that it should make a difference in how they died. You've given him a few things to think about.

Love,
Val

Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia.

This journey is not for us to rack up scores for "virtue." We came to the end of our own strength long ago. Going through the desert is tough. Writing a blog about the experience is helpful. All I have to offer is my sometimes faltering willingness to say, "Yes." But nothing could be a greater gift to me than to know that there are people out there who are hearing about the living Jesus through my life. People who otherwise would be totally in the "dark".

This is my testimony. The Lord has carried me through. He is here.

A LIGHT shines in the darkness.

Christmas Traditions

December of 1997 found me both weeping and indignant over the failed attempt at dating that John and I had experienced that year. At the time, we were both on staff at Church of the Resurrection, thus both in attendance at the annual Staff and Vestry Christmas party. This is a potluck gathering hosted by the Rector, at that time William and Anne Beasley. This party came a few weeks after John so poignantly told me, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, Margie, but I am not in love with you." Considering the way things had been going, I was not surprised, but certainly not without wound either. Here ended what we now refer to as Act I.

Act I was followed by a two-year intermission. After one year, John came to ask my forgiveness for not offering me the level of commitment I needed. To this I simply replied, "I do forgive you, but if you are hoping that we are going to get back together, that is not going to happen. I know what I need now and you are not it." (Ouch.) Another year passed before we began dating again, which was a miracle. I will have to save that story for another time. (Or you can buy a copy of the DVD of John and me telling our story at a Gathering Place event a few years ago.)

So, here we are at the Beasley's home in December '97. Everyone is bringing in their covered dishes and I am trying to avoid John at all costs. (This is how I got the nickname Frosty Margarita.) I was loving Martha Stewart at the time and prepared a fabulous new recipe from her collection called Sweet Potato Spoon Bread. It is a warm and creamy, wonderfully aromatic holiday dish. I went through the buffet line much before John, but was leaving the dining room just as he was coming around to the Sweet Potato Spoon Bread. I "happened" to watch him as he filled the serving spoon and lifted it to his nose for a sniff. I saw him put the spoon down. I was furious. How dare he sniff my food and reject it? The moment was a snapshot of our dating history.
John will you tell you that he sniffed it, loved it and even returned for seconds. This part obviously missed my awareness.

Both because I love the recipe and because it holds such fond relationship memories for us, I make it every Christmas. I am including the recipe for you if you would like to try an alternative to the sliced sweet potatoes with marshmallows this year.

The Fawcett's Sweet Potato Spoon Bread
from Martha Stewart
Serves 8 to 10

3 large sweet potatoes
1/4 cup yellow cornmeal
2 cups milk
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/4 cup light brown sugar
1/4 tsp freshly grated nutmeg
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp all-purpose flour
1/4 cup honey
4 large eggs
1 cup heavy cream

1. Heat oven to 400 degrees. Bake sweet potatoes until soft when pierced with a knife, 40 to 45 minutes. Let cool. Peel, and discard skins.

2. Reduce the heat to 350. In a medium saucepan over medium heat combine cornmeal, milk, butter, brown sugar, spices, salt and 1 cup water. Cook, stirring until slightly thickened, about 10 minutes. Let cool.

3. Butter a two-quart baking dish. Place cornmeal mixture, sweet potatoes, flour, honey, eggs, and cream in a food processor. Process until smooth; pour into dish. (If you do ahead, freeze at this point and increase baking time when cooked from frozen.) Bake until golden brown, about 45 minutes. Serve.

A few notes from experience:
A double recipe will fit in a 9 x 13, but increase baking time.
You can make this ahead and freeze it before baking it.
I often double the recipe, bake one at Thanksgiving and freeze the other for Christmas.

Hope you enjoy this culinary trip down memory lane.

Health Issues

Friday evenings are a special gift. My parents take our children overnight. We enjoy an evening together and a cozy, long sleep on Saturday morning. Because of the level of fatigue John experiences daily, Saturday mornings have become a greatly anticipated time of connection and prayer for us. We have our longest talk of the week without a mid-sentence doze or a child running in for attention. Last night we went to an old favorite Chinese restaurant in Lisle. (John was actually introduced to this restaurant by an old girlfriend!) We enjoyed our favorite dish which is orange roughy fried with a salt and pepper batter. It comes with sliced sauteed green onions and jalapenos! Its a taste bud wake-up call! John ate several servings of everything and he seemed to enjoy it. I was thrilled because he hasn't eaten much at all lately. He has lost around 20 pounds and feels nauseous a lot of the time.

After John took his evening shower, he stood on a stool to change a light bulb. He felt a sudden pain in his right side. I was downstairs writing last night's blog. He couldn't call to me for several minutes because the pain was so severe. He could only whisper. As I watched him struggling in pain later that night, it reminded me of being in labor. He was panting in pain, frantic to find a space in which to lie where the pain would not be as sharp. My heart went out to him and there was nothing I could do to relieve the pain. In time the pain eased and he was able to find a position in which he could sleep.

John wonders if eating too much food caused a problem with an internal tumor. Perhaps it was pressing against his lung or something. I am inclined to think he cracked a rib. The ribs on his right side are compromised from tumor growth and the sharp pain with shortness of breath make a broken rib a likely explanation. We will see Dr. Hantel on Tuesday for the final word.

One thing I have always admired about John is his openness to being instructed by the Lord through difficulty. Many of us might count ourselves with Job's wife who said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" But instead of pounding his fists at God, John asks, "What are You trying to teach me, Lord? Help me to learn." At the moment of the sharp pain, John sensed a word spoken to his heart from God. All I heard John saying was, "I get it Lord. I see. Now I know. I get it." John told me later that the Lord had revealed to him a broken relationship that he needed to work to repair through forgiveness.

Psalm 103: 1-5
Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Happy Anniversary

Today is our 7th anniversary. I will never forget our glorious wedding day. I am grateful for my husband and all I have learned from him. John is a trustworthy man of integrity. As you can imagine, this season of John's illness has brought a range of difficulties into our lives individually and as a couple. I gave a talk entitled For Better or For Worse: Facing Difficulties in Marriage at our Mom's ministry this week. If you would like to hear it, you can find it on our church's website.
Go here to hear.
For Better or For Worse: Facing Difficulties in Marriage
I think it is about forty minutes long. It tells the basics of our journey in a nutshell. If you do listen, you must imagine yourself going into a beautiful room, surrounded by friends and sipping coffee. You can hear warm piano and violin music as you taste your pumpkin muffin and relish the moments that your children are having fun in the Nursery. This monthly event opens with Morning Prayer and worship, followed by a teaching. In this talk I discuss the difficulities of learning to love in the midst of tremendous stress. I confess ugly sins and welcome the grace of God to wash and cover all of us as we purpose to grow and mature in whatever circumstance we are in.

Staying Connected in the Desert

What is a wife to do when her husband is given a chilling diagnosis?
Freak Out? I've done that.
Weep? I've done that.
Prepare myself for his death? I am sad to admit that I have done that.

I have tossed around this question in its various forms over the last two and a half years. Since August of 2004 I have replayed in my mind over and over again a phrase said to us by our oncologist, "This cancer has 80% recurrence within five years." I confess that I have spent too much time in fear about John's possible death. I have had a tremendous amount of fear that the cancer would recur. I regularly confess these fears and their subsequent sins to my prayer partners.

I am amazed to find that, now that cancer has recurred, my daily life is not as horrible as I had feared it would be. Fear is one way the Enemy robs and steals from me. Fear robs the joy of the present moment. Fear cannot access the presence of God in the future. Each day is full of the presence of God when I am actually living it. I cannot practice the presence of God in a future day, only today. In other words, when I feed a fear, my imagination of the difficult situation is WITHOUT the presence of God. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow, for each day has enough trouble of its own.
Thank you Lord, that You are in this day with me.

So, am I to prepare myself for John's possible death in a sooner-than-later sort of a way? I have done this many times over the last two years and it avails nothing. The Lord is telling me that I am not to prepare myself for John's death. There is no way to do this. If John dies it will rip my heart out. When I have tried to "prepare myself" it leads to two things. First, I imagine my life without him. This is a dangerous place to go. It is not reality. It is fear. Second, these fearful imaginings yield an insidious fruit: disconnection. When I fear that John will not be there for me, I begin to take small steps of the heart away from him. This dishonors him and our marriage. It prevents me from staying close through the process. The Lord is calling me to flesh out my wedding vows as a sacramental conduit of His love for John.

What is a wife to do when her husband is given a chilling diagnosis?

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27 selected

A Prayer of Faith

I know that I am called to love and support John in sickness and in health.
I know that God can break into a hopeless situation and bring hope and healing.
I know that we are not to live in fear, but faith.

However, I have had to ask the question,
"What does the prayer of faith look like in this situation?"
Does offering a prayer of faith mean that I have no fear?
Does it mean that I am not aware of the seriousness of John's health situation?

How, Lord, am I to pray?

I asked our friend Fr. Mario Bergner these questions when he was here for a visit. He encouraged us from the book of Mark where the father of a demon-possessed boy says to Jesus, "If you are able to do anything, have pity on us and help us." Jesus says, "If you are able!- All things can be done for the one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out, "I believe; help my unbelief!" Mario encouraged us to begin our prayers by confessing unbelief. Once the sin of unbelief is confessed, there is room for a prayer of faith to be given. I have found this to be true! When I come to prayer for John each night, I anoint him with oil. I often have no idea what to pray, but confessing unbelief and simply beginning these prayers makes a way for a prayer of faith to be given. Each night I am given a prayer for John that is not something of my own making. I often receive the prayer that God is praying for John. God's desire is for John to receive health, life and joy. We do not know exactly how the Lord will answer these prayers. What we do know is that we will follow Him.

I believe; help my unbelief!

Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him. (Job)