Getting Better

Dear Friends,

My TO DO List is long today and so I give you a quick update. I know many of you have been concerned about John's pain. Thank you for your love and prayers. I am thrilled to tell you that his pain is MUCH improved. The combination of prayer, pain medications and radiation have allowed John the freedom to sleep and move about with significantly reduced pain. His calcium level is still very high, indicated ongoing bone degeneration. We will be spending the fourth day this week getting IV treatment for this life-threatening illness.

Because John's pain, mobility and medication have needed lots of care and management, the Fawcetts Sr. have been gracious enough to extend their stay. I know that I am continuing to keep my head above water because of their constant presence. Their service combined with the childcare from my parents and the meals from the church have held us up. Thank you all so much. We are being held up by your hands and prayers.

With gratitude,
Margie for the Fawcetts

The Valley of Vision

As I went to grab my glasses this morning, I paused for a moment looking at my bedside table. The Valley of Vision. Next to my new devotional book sat my glasses and my tissues from the long, painful night.

John was not able to sleep much due to pain. I often hear him reciting the Lord's Prayer and the Jesus Prayer in the night. I have not been able to sleep next to John since August. His body is too tenderly pained for me to be close. Last night, his pain was so great, his ability to find a comfortable position impossible. He called out to me knowing that if my presence would not create new pain, that my presence might actually bring him comfort.

The words that flowed out of me, born of the Spirit, freshly bringing Jesus...

The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. In the presence of my enemies, You prepare a table for me. You annoint my head with oil. My cup overflows. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thou art with me. Your rod and your staff they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever...

Lying gently near his frail frame, we both fell asleep for an hour before dawn.

Quarry me deep, dear Lord,

and then fill me to overflowing

with living water.

A small portion of a prayer from The Valley of Vision, A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions, The Banner of Truth Trust, edited by Arthur Bennett, 1975

Thank you Shirley and Dale

Update

I don't have a lot to say, but wanted to jot the latest. Yesterday we had a regularly-scheduled, weekly lab visit. John's Calcium was 14.3. That is higher than it was last week. John was hospitalized back in ?October? when his Calcium reached 15.9. Dr. Hantel said that was off the charts and that most people are not conscious or sitting up and talking to him at that level.

So, yesterday, John had a drug treatment and IV fluids. They wanted to see him for labs again today and his calcium was 13.8. They kept him to give fluids again. Now they want to see him tomorrow. The doctor may try to flush the calcium with more fluids or give some kind of a drug.

Because of Charlotte's swimming lessons, I did not go to the hospital today. John's Dad took him. After the swimming lesson, I decided to take the kids to Edwards to see John's treatment. I have been praying about including them, especially Charlotte, in some way. It seems of growing importance that she have some frame of reference for what it means that we are going to the "doctor" all the time. It was a short visit, but the kids loved it. Of course the nurses all thought they were wonderful and gave them juice and graham crackers. We played Chutes and Ladders (which they have on the unit) and took a little tour. Charlotte said to John, "I am worried about this tube going into your arm. It worries me that it hurts you." John explained these things to Charlotte and told her he wasn't worried about the medicine at all, and that it didn't really even hurt.

Now she has something to imagine when we say we are going to the doctor. I hope the experience will give her a frame of reference from which to ask questions as they come up.

Something surprising happened today. John was told after the lab work that he would need to stay for fluids. When John hears this, his first response is not one of gratitude toward the doctors and nurses for their helpful interventions. He eventually comes around, but his first response is usually frustration at the realization of more time at the hospital and less time for ... He said something like, "I guess they are trying to help me and I need to receive what is necessary." One of the nurses we have seen there for months, took both of John's hands in hers. She said, "Lets pray. Dear Lord, we pray that whatever John's body needs is what he will receive here today. Amen." John looked up in shock and joy. He said, "Do you believe that?" "Yes," she said. "Then you should do that with as many people as you possible can here." We had no idea she was a woman of faith and just knowing that lifts my heart somehow.

The last time I wrote, I was weeping and wailing over my losses. Right now I am having trouble feeling anything at all. My heart feels like it is racing all the time and I want to grab John and hold onto him for dear life.

The Frozen Chosen

Can you believe this weather? One day this week the high was ZERO! I just had to include this photo of my bed. I sleep right next to our sliding glass door. Yes! That is ice. Amazingly, I am not really frozen. We have a heater that keeps the room very warm, but ice comes in through the windows. Charlotte pulled a book off the shelf in that room one morning and she could not open it. It was frozen shut!!

The medical reports were mixed this week. Hemoglobin 10.5, the highest it has been in months. Calcium 13 and needing treatment. John was sent to the ER in July for a Calcium of 12.4 (it really goofs up the kidneys).

This has been a hard week for me. It started with noticing a large tumor on John's chest. The last time I had seen it, maybe four weeks ago, it was like a small pebble. I gasped when I saw the egg-sized mass on his rib. I could not believe the amount of visible growth in such a short time. It seems like we are going along just fine and then suddenly a bucket of cold water hits my face. When people ask, "How is John doing?" I always say, "Great. He's really doing great, or at least pretty well." This week I took a step back and saw how that response is within a bigger picture of difficulty.

It is true that John is doing great. He is clinging to Christ and continuously open to confessing sin and receiving life and hope from the Lord. He is doing "great" in the way that saints persevere during trials and learn with Paul, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Phil 4: 12 But he is doing "great" while at the same time fighting for his life. He is frail and fragile. I not only miss the wonderful feeling of being squeezed by John, but I can't hug him either.


On Monday Charlotte and I went to Culvers together for lunch after preschool. It was a holiday and so lots of children were there with their families. I sat there eating my grilled Reuben and mindlessly watching fleece-bound children bouncing into the restaurant. Moms and Dads queried their bobbing bundles about hamburgers, chicken fingers, lemonade, etc. A Dad and his two little girls came and sat at the booth next to us. For them it was one of a million little interactions they have with their Dad that they don't think twice about, nor will they remember. But the estrangement I felt from that situation settled on me like a bad fish sandwich. We are getting up and going about our lives, but our lives are greatly changed. It has been in this week that I have felt the change in a new way.

Are we doing fine? Yes. Are we taking one day at a time? Yes. Is God good all the time? Yes. Are we learning to give thanks in ALL circumstances? Yes. Yes, all of these things are true.

And at the same time, you will not bump into John at Culvers with his kids. You will not see him standing in line to order or carrying a tray of food. You will not see him sitting comfortably in a booth or chatting about the weather. All of these things are beyond his physical limitations right now.

I am endeavoring to keep a warm sense of normalcy in our home, but this week I am sad. I am lonely. I miss my husband's energy and loud laughter filling a restaurant as we decide who ordered the tastiest meal. I miss his list of 100 things he would like to do and see over the weekend. I miss his ability to stay up talking for several hours after the kids are in bed. I miss seeing him stand at the bathroom sink and shave, coming to the table with pieces of toilet paper on his chin. I miss trying to go to sleep and repeatedly being awakened by his chuckles as he reads Richard John Neuhaus' Public Square in First Things.


When John got home from work last night, (yes, he's been working! He goes in the morning and the afternoon for a few hours.) I burst into uncontrollable tears. The kids were at my parents for the night and seeing him hobbling in trying to get warm by the heater... I just couldn't stop. I simply felt, "I miss you." I get so very little time to connect with John because of our various schedules and responsibilities. Feeling disconnected makes this process all the harder to endure. Even at a time like this, so many things get in the way of our nurturing our marriage. This is so important to both of us and we are learning.

I read the story of Noah to the kids week. The Lord opened that scripture to my heart and mind in a way I had never known it before. I can't describe it fully, I just know it fed me. One thing I took away was imagining what that time in the ark must have been like. Noah had spent over one hundred years and probably his life's savings building the thing. And then once they got in, there was a long wait before anything happened. I thought of John and me sealed up in our "ark" of marriage and waiting for the journey that God has prepared us for to begin. And then it begins with a bang. Imagine how terrifying it must have been to hear the storm and feel the unleashed waters of the deep lifting and tossing the ark in a tempest. We, too, are in a tempest. We are warm (except for the ice on the door) and dry, our basic needs are met, but we are, nonetheless, in a tempest.



But God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and the livestock that were with him in the ark, and he sent a wind over the earth, and the waters receded. (Genesis 8:1) God knows we are huddled together in the ark waiting out the storm. He is in complete control and we are waiting for him to send a wind so that the waters will recede.

And yet, Lord, teach us "the secret of being content in any and every situation."

Lovingly,
Frosty
I'll take a big hug and an order of onion rings with that.

Guide Us to Thy Perfect Light

Adoration of the Magi Triptych by Jerome Bosch, Prado Museum

Epiphany.

We use the word to describe a sudden idea, an "aha" moment, a sudden convergence of thought and feeling into a meaningful connection, an illumination of what has been there, but hidden.

Epiphany is the celebration of the Light bursting into the darkness.

Epiphany is always on January 6th, because it follows the 12 Days of Christmas that begin on December 25th. On this day we remember the journey of the kings from the east. They saw an unusual star in the heavens which communicated to them that the King of the Jews had been born. They began a long journey, bearing gifts for the new King. They made a journey of faith to worship. This was not their family of faith, but they were being drawn in by the Star of Light. These kings usher in a new era in history. They are the first Gentiles to worship Jesus, to journey toward him, to bring Him their gifts. They follow a bright star that leads them to the Lord.

The Dürer woodcut, a lifetime impression signed with his monogram and dated 1511, depicts the adoration of the Magi.

These last few months have had their long journeys through dark nights. I have looked up into the dark sky, searching for the star that will keep me moving in the right direction. I did not think about packing any gifts for the trip. What could I give the Lord after an exhausting journey? The only gift I can possibly imagine giving is simply a yielded heart. It sounds quaint and trite and shallow, perhaps, but its true. There is absolutely nothing I could plan to pack or "put on". I came to the end of my own stamina a long time ago.

I have walked a journey of bare-bones humanity. I get up, I do what is before me. I listen for the Lord. My only gift is to simply say, "Yes Lord." My gift is to obey and trust. That is all that is possible. I see no other road. It has not been pretty. Often what the Lord says is, "Let that go." "Lack of love is making this harder for you." "Just do it." My heart has been exposed to the raw, ugly core. And still I hear, "Come to Me. Sit. Give me your burdens. I am here."

There has been no way to plan or prepare. I get up each day trusting that the next step will unfold and that the energy, love and wisdom will be there when I need it. I am amazed to say it has. What I have needed has been there. I am getting a sudden flash of Jesus sending out the disciples and saying, "Take nothing with you, no bag, no tunic, etc." This is not the kind of journey you can pack for. You just set off and trust God for provision because there is nothing else possible!

One gift I have received from the Lord during this journey has been this blog. I have felt supported, true. But its more than that for me. Nothing gives me greater joy than to learn something new, or see something in a new light and then tell someone else about it. I have enjoyed writing about this journey for my own "processing", but my heart leaps with joy when I talk with those of you who say they have been blessed by reading. I just can't believe it! That is the Lord for you. One person suffers and another is blessed through it. That is redemption. Beauty for ashes.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

II Cor 1: 3-7

I have saved this story for Epiphany because it is an example of the Light of Christ bursting into darkness. I received an email from my friend Val back in December. She told me that she had used our story as the capstone of her class, Introduction to Religion. I will let her tell you herself:

Hi Margie. I'm teaching three sections of Introduction to Religion at College of Du Page (about 90 students in all). We are almost to the end of a 16 week semester. It is a general class on religion and how it is studied, but I have total freedom to teach the class any way I want to. I've never been so happy!

Today was my last lecture, and thanks to your blog and the nifty MP3 file I had the perfect way to end the semester. We've just finished three units that were a perfect lead up to presenting your story; for the last four weeks we've been studying religious experience, meaning & suffering, and virtue ethics. Today we looked at your photos, several of the blog entries, and listened to most of the talk. Then we had a class discussion about how you and John have demonstrated each of the virtues through the way you have suffered. At the end of class I asked people to make a list of the three virtues that they thought your testimony illustrated most powerfully.

Prudence/wisdom
Justice
Temperance
Fortitude/courage
Faith
Hope
Love

Most of the students are nominal Christians, plus a few Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists and generally mixed up, sincere seekers after truth. They were TOTALLY into the two weeks we spent on the virtues, and ABSOLUTELY CAPTIVATED by your story. No one dozed off, that's for sure! Now they all want to know what happens, so we will check back in to your blog next week. I'd also like to use it next semester as I'm teaching three more sections of the same class. I could not have devised a better way to end the semester as you and John are living out the realities I've been trying to impart. For example, before we studied the virtues we studied Vicktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. He says there are four anchors that enable us to find meaning in suffering: making a difference for good, living for those who need us, the contemplation of beauty/truth/goodness, and dying with dignity. You and John would make high marks on the "meaning scale" too!

___, my most committed and thoughtful atheist, wrote in a paper that he'd never met a Christian who wasn't just as terrified of death as everyone else. It seemed to him that if Christians really believed what they said about eternal life that it should make a difference in how they died. You've given him a few things to think about.

Love,
Val

Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia.

This journey is not for us to rack up scores for "virtue." We came to the end of our own strength long ago. Going through the desert is tough. Writing a blog about the experience is helpful. All I have to offer is my sometimes faltering willingness to say, "Yes." But nothing could be a greater gift to me than to know that there are people out there who are hearing about the living Jesus through my life. People who otherwise would be totally in the "dark".

This is my testimony. The Lord has carried me through. He is here.

A LIGHT shines in the darkness.

My heart took delight in all my work. Ecc 2:10

John awakened this morning with a prayer, "Lord, I know I do not deserve to be without pain. I know you suffered in the garden and in your death. But I ask in your mercy, that you would allow a reduction of suffering."

John has repeatedly told me, "I must have an outward focus. I have many thoughts of open-ended projects at the library. I want to help my staff with questions. Having a goal gives me hope."

Several hours later John and his father loaded into the van and went to Buswell Library. John put in several hours of work before his energy faded.

Thanks be to God.

Day at the Hospital

Difficult day. We have been at the hospital since 11 am, its now nearly 4 pm. John will receive blood and fluid for three more hours. At 7pm we will go over to the hospital for an ultrasound of his leg. There is most likely a blood clot. He gained four pounds this week, which can only be attributed to large amounts of fluid in his leg. He certainly doesn't eat enough to gain weight. This blood clot is giving him a lot of pain when he tries to get around. We are relatively certain that he has a bladder infection, too.

As I sit here at the hospital, I am feeling anxious. I love having this time with John and watching him cry out to the Lord moment by moment as well as crack jokes when they come to mind. I also feel torn that I am not with my children. They have had all-day play dates four out of the last five days. John's care has required my constant attention and I have needed this kind of support. At the same time it breaks my heart. Please continue to pray for the kids. Now that John's parents are here, I will not need to provide all of the care for John.

We have taken a lot of video footage in the last few days. I got a few moments of John talking on the phone to his friend Mario this morning. He was saying, "I am learning that life is all about loving others. No matter what is happening for me, I am to be loving others."

At 6am this morning, I got up to give John his medication. He was quite sprightly, and had things on his mind. I wanted to get even a few more minutes of sleep and finally had to say, "I'm not listening about Richard P. Strauss any longer. I am going to sleep!" I put a sock over my head and don't know if he kept talking or not!

No visitors right now, please.

Thank you for your ongoing support.

Update

This has been a difficult week. In the last two weeks John has experienced a sharp decline. He is so exhausted and fighting so hard that thoughts are not quick or clear. John seems more fragile. His body knows something is not right and it is fighting hard.

Thank you so much for your prayers and love.

We were touched by your letters of love and encouragement.

John has a weekly massage from a woman who specializes in massage for cancer patients. She had to drive him home from the appointment. He thinks he broke another rib. I had to nearly carry him in to the house from her car.

On Monday we moved John downstairs to the guestroom. The firm bed and space from family life seem to be the appropriate, though regretful, step needed at this time.
John did not go to work today... so much pain.


We have been blessed by the love of our family and church community. One friend came and took out our trash and washed the dishes. I left Muffins & Mugs with THREE meals in the van. Saturday four guys are coming over to organize our garage and winterize our patio. Two families have helped with juicing. The church has provided us with daily communion from Reserved Sacrament.

While we were at the hospital on Tuesday, two women approached us. One John had met before and she wanted to introduce him to the other lady. She said, "I am Candy ... the Director of the Healing Arts Program. The last time you were in here you wrote something about the Healing Arts Program. What you wrote was so beautiful, I would like your permission to publish it." Everywhere he goes people want to publish his writing!

I asked John if he needed anything at one point today, he said, "an angelic visitation." Another time he expressed his concern about not being able to breathe. Pray for a freedom from restriction in breath.

Today was a difficult day and one surrounded with love and support. I feel both stretched and upheld. I am grieving, but (thanks be to God) I do not feel afraid.
My Uncle and Aunt from Virginia Beach are here for a few days to love on us. My brother flew in from California this evening. I love having family and friends around.

We continue to covet your prayers.

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope your hearts were encouraged by taking a day to count your blessings. One of the things on my list of thanksgivings this year was a pancake. I am not a huge fan of pancakes in general, but when I found one on the floor of the kids' bedroom, it made me smile. "How did you get here, little pancake? I bet somebody grabbed you from the table before breakfast began. I hope the fact that there was only one bite missing didn't mean that sly snacker disapproved of you?" Alas, no, many high protein pancakes were consumed around the table this morning.




The night before Thanksgiving John decided to stop taking his pain medication. For a variety of reasons, he wanted to see how his system would respond without it. For three days now John has been basically in bed with extreme fatigue and pain. It is amazing to see what kind of deterioration the pain medication has been masking. There are now three or four growths on John's ribs/shoulders that are visible and warm to the touch. I see a certain retreat in John's eyes when he is in pain. He is looking at me, but something in him is deep inside fighting for life. He describes this as "exhaustion," but I think most of us would say, "Ouch!" He can barely keep his eyes open and I can tell that the bustle of family life is draining him.




As I mentioned in a previous post, Church of the Resurrection is holding a Day of Prayer and Fasting for our family this Tuesday, November 27th. If you are able to fast, pray, or send us a prayer, we would be blessed. If the Lord has given you a scripture that you pray for our family, or a specific prayer of faith, please send it to us. We will use these in our home prayers throughout the day. These things can be left as comments to this post, if you like.

Becoming

"The primary job of every father (and mother for that matter) is to become who God has made you to become." This word was given to us by our dear friend Stephen G. John and I were sharing with Stephen and Barbara our disappointments about not walking this journey as well as we would like to. We have moments of hope and moments of despair. When we are listening to the voice of the Lord, we are held steady. When we listen to voices of fear or accusation, we falter.

As we consider how this journey is impacting our children, we were comforted by Stephen's counsel. We cannot control our circumstances. The only thing we can do is to continue to become in Christ. Even though outwardly we may be wasting away, we can continue to say "yes" to Jesus and grow into who He has made us to be. What more does a child want than to see his father meeting each challenge with faith in the goodness of God and perseverance in the valley?

My heart was fortified by this reminder to continue to become. Sometimes I am tempted to give up and let things roll me over like a tidal wave. I can fill my lungs with a deep breath of peace when I think about becoming. I know all I have to do is say, "Yes, Lord." I don't have to figure everything out. I don't have to try to control things. I don't have to mourn the past or fret about the future. It is all in His hands and I say, "Yes, Lord." There is life until our last breath when we are becoming in Christ.

Lord, help me not to resist becoming through my chilly responses of the heart. Forgive me for being critical, blustery and closed. I am warming my hands on the burning fire of your love.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:16-17



"That fierce imprisonment in the self is but the obverse of the self-giving which is absolute reality..."

--The Problem of Pain

Health Issues

Friday evenings are a special gift. My parents take our children overnight. We enjoy an evening together and a cozy, long sleep on Saturday morning. Because of the level of fatigue John experiences daily, Saturday mornings have become a greatly anticipated time of connection and prayer for us. We have our longest talk of the week without a mid-sentence doze or a child running in for attention. Last night we went to an old favorite Chinese restaurant in Lisle. (John was actually introduced to this restaurant by an old girlfriend!) We enjoyed our favorite dish which is orange roughy fried with a salt and pepper batter. It comes with sliced sauteed green onions and jalapenos! Its a taste bud wake-up call! John ate several servings of everything and he seemed to enjoy it. I was thrilled because he hasn't eaten much at all lately. He has lost around 20 pounds and feels nauseous a lot of the time.

After John took his evening shower, he stood on a stool to change a light bulb. He felt a sudden pain in his right side. I was downstairs writing last night's blog. He couldn't call to me for several minutes because the pain was so severe. He could only whisper. As I watched him struggling in pain later that night, it reminded me of being in labor. He was panting in pain, frantic to find a space in which to lie where the pain would not be as sharp. My heart went out to him and there was nothing I could do to relieve the pain. In time the pain eased and he was able to find a position in which he could sleep.

John wonders if eating too much food caused a problem with an internal tumor. Perhaps it was pressing against his lung or something. I am inclined to think he cracked a rib. The ribs on his right side are compromised from tumor growth and the sharp pain with shortness of breath make a broken rib a likely explanation. We will see Dr. Hantel on Tuesday for the final word.

One thing I have always admired about John is his openness to being instructed by the Lord through difficulty. Many of us might count ourselves with Job's wife who said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" But instead of pounding his fists at God, John asks, "What are You trying to teach me, Lord? Help me to learn." At the moment of the sharp pain, John sensed a word spoken to his heart from God. All I heard John saying was, "I get it Lord. I see. Now I know. I get it." John told me later that the Lord had revealed to him a broken relationship that he needed to work to repair through forgiveness.

Psalm 103: 1-5
Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Ups and Downs

Is it possible for things to be going well and not so well all at the same time?
I believe it is.
We are deeply well.
We are looking up to the Lord and learning daily how to cast our cares on Him. We are comforted with the peace of Christ throughout each day. Those who are near us are constantly caring for us and giving of their love. We are blessed beyond what we can describe. John was able to lead the worship for Rez's men's retreat. He was stirred, strengthened and honored to lead these faithful men. He is also totally exhausted and weary to the bones. I have had the opportunity to lead our Moms ministry in celebrating All Saints Day. On Tuesday I gave a lecture at Redeemed Lives about coming present to our griefs through abstaining from addictions. We are always thrilled to have an opportunity to engage in ministry. Serving others inspires and ignites us. We love it. We are also limitted in our ventures out into the kingdom in this way by our stage of life (small kids) and John's physical weakness. And of course the ministry of the intimate kingdoms of home and work require our love and diligence daily.
We are not so well.
John is experiencing extreme fatigue, nausea. He feels cold all the time and experiences pain. He has a visible growth on his left shoulder, numerous "hot spots", places on his body that are hot to the touch from cancer activity, and growths I can feel on his right rib cage. These things have been around for a while, but have been less pressing. The fatigue John has causes him to fall asleep mid-sentence. I would expect this if it were mid-MY sentence, but I have seen him fall asleep in the middle of his own sentence!! :) He needs to eat, but nothing appeals to him. He threw up at the dinner table last night and just threw up at his office upon smelling the lunch I brought.
John has said recently, "Maybe I should go to Brazil this winter. If I am cold in this 50` weather, how will I do in 10`?" I am totally on board with the idea of a trip to the near tropics in the winter! Lord, guide our steps that we might glorify You and step into all you have for us. We love You. Come Lord Jesus, come.

Happy Anniversary

Today is our 7th anniversary. I will never forget our glorious wedding day. I am grateful for my husband and all I have learned from him. John is a trustworthy man of integrity. As you can imagine, this season of John's illness has brought a range of difficulties into our lives individually and as a couple. I gave a talk entitled For Better or For Worse: Facing Difficulties in Marriage at our Mom's ministry this week. If you would like to hear it, you can find it on our church's website.
Go here to hear.
For Better or For Worse: Facing Difficulties in Marriage
I think it is about forty minutes long. It tells the basics of our journey in a nutshell. If you do listen, you must imagine yourself going into a beautiful room, surrounded by friends and sipping coffee. You can hear warm piano and violin music as you taste your pumpkin muffin and relish the moments that your children are having fun in the Nursery. This monthly event opens with Morning Prayer and worship, followed by a teaching. In this talk I discuss the difficulities of learning to love in the midst of tremendous stress. I confess ugly sins and welcome the grace of God to wash and cover all of us as we purpose to grow and mature in whatever circumstance we are in.

Staying Connected in the Desert

What is a wife to do when her husband is given a chilling diagnosis?
Freak Out? I've done that.
Weep? I've done that.
Prepare myself for his death? I am sad to admit that I have done that.

I have tossed around this question in its various forms over the last two and a half years. Since August of 2004 I have replayed in my mind over and over again a phrase said to us by our oncologist, "This cancer has 80% recurrence within five years." I confess that I have spent too much time in fear about John's possible death. I have had a tremendous amount of fear that the cancer would recur. I regularly confess these fears and their subsequent sins to my prayer partners.

I am amazed to find that, now that cancer has recurred, my daily life is not as horrible as I had feared it would be. Fear is one way the Enemy robs and steals from me. Fear robs the joy of the present moment. Fear cannot access the presence of God in the future. Each day is full of the presence of God when I am actually living it. I cannot practice the presence of God in a future day, only today. In other words, when I feed a fear, my imagination of the difficult situation is WITHOUT the presence of God. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow, for each day has enough trouble of its own.
Thank you Lord, that You are in this day with me.

So, am I to prepare myself for John's possible death in a sooner-than-later sort of a way? I have done this many times over the last two years and it avails nothing. The Lord is telling me that I am not to prepare myself for John's death. There is no way to do this. If John dies it will rip my heart out. When I have tried to "prepare myself" it leads to two things. First, I imagine my life without him. This is a dangerous place to go. It is not reality. It is fear. Second, these fearful imaginings yield an insidious fruit: disconnection. When I fear that John will not be there for me, I begin to take small steps of the heart away from him. This dishonors him and our marriage. It prevents me from staying close through the process. The Lord is calling me to flesh out my wedding vows as a sacramental conduit of His love for John.

What is a wife to do when her husband is given a chilling diagnosis?

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27 selected