Guide Us to Thy Perfect Light

Adoration of the Magi Triptych by Jerome Bosch, Prado Museum

Epiphany.

We use the word to describe a sudden idea, an "aha" moment, a sudden convergence of thought and feeling into a meaningful connection, an illumination of what has been there, but hidden.

Epiphany is the celebration of the Light bursting into the darkness.

Epiphany is always on January 6th, because it follows the 12 Days of Christmas that begin on December 25th. On this day we remember the journey of the kings from the east. They saw an unusual star in the heavens which communicated to them that the King of the Jews had been born. They began a long journey, bearing gifts for the new King. They made a journey of faith to worship. This was not their family of faith, but they were being drawn in by the Star of Light. These kings usher in a new era in history. They are the first Gentiles to worship Jesus, to journey toward him, to bring Him their gifts. They follow a bright star that leads them to the Lord.

The Dürer woodcut, a lifetime impression signed with his monogram and dated 1511, depicts the adoration of the Magi.

These last few months have had their long journeys through dark nights. I have looked up into the dark sky, searching for the star that will keep me moving in the right direction. I did not think about packing any gifts for the trip. What could I give the Lord after an exhausting journey? The only gift I can possibly imagine giving is simply a yielded heart. It sounds quaint and trite and shallow, perhaps, but its true. There is absolutely nothing I could plan to pack or "put on". I came to the end of my own stamina a long time ago.

I have walked a journey of bare-bones humanity. I get up, I do what is before me. I listen for the Lord. My only gift is to simply say, "Yes Lord." My gift is to obey and trust. That is all that is possible. I see no other road. It has not been pretty. Often what the Lord says is, "Let that go." "Lack of love is making this harder for you." "Just do it." My heart has been exposed to the raw, ugly core. And still I hear, "Come to Me. Sit. Give me your burdens. I am here."

There has been no way to plan or prepare. I get up each day trusting that the next step will unfold and that the energy, love and wisdom will be there when I need it. I am amazed to say it has. What I have needed has been there. I am getting a sudden flash of Jesus sending out the disciples and saying, "Take nothing with you, no bag, no tunic, etc." This is not the kind of journey you can pack for. You just set off and trust God for provision because there is nothing else possible!

One gift I have received from the Lord during this journey has been this blog. I have felt supported, true. But its more than that for me. Nothing gives me greater joy than to learn something new, or see something in a new light and then tell someone else about it. I have enjoyed writing about this journey for my own "processing", but my heart leaps with joy when I talk with those of you who say they have been blessed by reading. I just can't believe it! That is the Lord for you. One person suffers and another is blessed through it. That is redemption. Beauty for ashes.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

II Cor 1: 3-7

I have saved this story for Epiphany because it is an example of the Light of Christ bursting into darkness. I received an email from my friend Val back in December. She told me that she had used our story as the capstone of her class, Introduction to Religion. I will let her tell you herself:

Hi Margie. I'm teaching three sections of Introduction to Religion at College of Du Page (about 90 students in all). We are almost to the end of a 16 week semester. It is a general class on religion and how it is studied, but I have total freedom to teach the class any way I want to. I've never been so happy!

Today was my last lecture, and thanks to your blog and the nifty MP3 file I had the perfect way to end the semester. We've just finished three units that were a perfect lead up to presenting your story; for the last four weeks we've been studying religious experience, meaning & suffering, and virtue ethics. Today we looked at your photos, several of the blog entries, and listened to most of the talk. Then we had a class discussion about how you and John have demonstrated each of the virtues through the way you have suffered. At the end of class I asked people to make a list of the three virtues that they thought your testimony illustrated most powerfully.

Prudence/wisdom
Justice
Temperance
Fortitude/courage
Faith
Hope
Love

Most of the students are nominal Christians, plus a few Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists and generally mixed up, sincere seekers after truth. They were TOTALLY into the two weeks we spent on the virtues, and ABSOLUTELY CAPTIVATED by your story. No one dozed off, that's for sure! Now they all want to know what happens, so we will check back in to your blog next week. I'd also like to use it next semester as I'm teaching three more sections of the same class. I could not have devised a better way to end the semester as you and John are living out the realities I've been trying to impart. For example, before we studied the virtues we studied Vicktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. He says there are four anchors that enable us to find meaning in suffering: making a difference for good, living for those who need us, the contemplation of beauty/truth/goodness, and dying with dignity. You and John would make high marks on the "meaning scale" too!

___, my most committed and thoughtful atheist, wrote in a paper that he'd never met a Christian who wasn't just as terrified of death as everyone else. It seemed to him that if Christians really believed what they said about eternal life that it should make a difference in how they died. You've given him a few things to think about.

Love,
Val

Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia.

This journey is not for us to rack up scores for "virtue." We came to the end of our own strength long ago. Going through the desert is tough. Writing a blog about the experience is helpful. All I have to offer is my sometimes faltering willingness to say, "Yes." But nothing could be a greater gift to me than to know that there are people out there who are hearing about the living Jesus through my life. People who otherwise would be totally in the "dark".

This is my testimony. The Lord has carried me through. He is here.

A LIGHT shines in the darkness.

Amazing! Amazing!

If my last post about John's health was Amazing, this one is

Amazing! Amazing!

Today was our weekly blood work at the Cancer Center. For the second time we were SENT HOME with no care needed.
NOTHING.

Do you remember how a few weeks ago the doctor suggested John get two transfusions a week?

John's Hemoglobin was 10.0, higher than last week's 9.8 . His kidney function has been perfect for over a month. He walked in on his own two feet. All of the nurses were coming over to him to saying, "You look great! What have you been doing?" One nurse named Derek said, "Eating spinach?" I said, "Drinking it!" John briefly told how his Mother juices vegetables for him and provides an excellent diet. Mary was quick to say, "But really its prayer. Praise God." And Derek said, "Yes, He's the One that deserves it!"

John was tender with tears and thanksgiving. He whispered, "I asked the Lord for 10.0 and it was 10.0. Thank You, Lord."

The Twelve Days of Christmas, Day 5

On Christmas Day 5 we remember Simeon. Simeon was a righteous man who was waiting for the consolation of Israel. Luke tells us that "the Holy Spirit was on him." He recognized the fulfillment of a promise that God had given him. He would see the Messiah. When Simeon takes Jesus in his arms, it reminds me of the moment when Elizabeth greets Mary and the child leaps within her womb. Those who are watching and listening for the Lord, see him and hear him.



Simeon praises the Lord and offers a song, long known by its Latin name, Nunc Dimittis.

"Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all people, a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel."

After praising God, Simeon looks right at Mary and says:

"This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too."

God's prophet had a hard word for Mary. Yes, Jesus would be great, but she would experience suffering as a result of her love for him. Throughout her life, Mary has the opportunity to continue to say, "Be it unto me according your will." She is walking by faith through obedience, but her heart will be broken.

Rembrandt

May we all continue to say, "Yes, Lord," when the road descends through valleys we never expected.

Rembrandt, Presentation in the Temple

The Twelve Days of Christmas, Day 4

Giotto, Flight into Egypt

In October of 2004 I gave John this painting by Giotto for his 42nd birthday. Six weeks prior he had brain surgery and was in the midst of radiation. In this painting we see Mary and Joseph fleeing into Egypt with baby Jesus. Joseph had been warned in a dream that Herod wanted to kill Jesus. He was told to take Mary and Jesus to Egypt until it was safe to return.

Going into Egypt meant living in a foreign country, a desert.

During this time in John's life, he was entering a foreign desert. It gave us both comfort to know that Jesus had gone into the desert, too. Jesus went into the desert as a baby and then again as a grown man. Both times it was purposeful and brought important results. We entered our own desert knowing that Jesus would go with us. He had been there, too. Deserts are often part of life and with Christ as our companion, we can even find water there.

And why was Jesus' family rushing by night to flee the country?

Christmas Day 4

Feast of the Holy Innocents, December 28th

The Killing of the Holy Innocents by Antonio Gaudi. La Sagrada Familia - a cathedral in Barcelona.

From Rediscovering Christmas:

The Gospel of Matthew recounts King Herod's reaction to the news of the Incarnation. Herod was the leader of the Jewish people under the authority of Rome during the time of Christ's birth. Cherishing his crown more than anything, he was threatened by the news brought to him by the Magi: that an infant born in Bethlehem would be a king, as the prophets had foretold. In order to eliminate this potential threat to his throne, Herod ordered that all male children in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under be killed...

Hugo van der Goes, c1440-1482 Part of a larger work at the Hermitage Museum, St Petersburg.

Herod was moved to violence out of fear. he failed to see the Incarnation's saving power for all humankind, even for him. Of course, the extreme nature of Herod's action makes any simple comparison with our own lives difficult, and yet at some level we must grapple with the meaning of this event. In our weakness and fragility we are tempted to believe that we can be in control of our lives. But Christ disrupts our lives by coming into the world, challenging our sense of self-reliance. Can any of us say that there isn't a faint shadow of Herod within us, fearful of this threat to our ego?

Written by Beth Bevis in: Rediscovering the Meaning of Christmas; God With Us, Pennoyer & Wolfe, Paraclete Press, Brewster, MA, 2007 (link given below)

If you would like to buy this book, you can find it here:

http://www.paracletepress.com/god-with-us-rediscover-the-meaning-of-christmas.html

Giotto di Bondone, Massacre of the Innocents 1304-06 -- Fresco Cappella Scrovegni (Arena Chapel), Padua

Twelve Days of Christmas,Feast of Saint Stephen

Have you ever heard of a feast day to remember a faithful Christian from the past? Today is the Feast of Stephen, a deacon and martyr of the early church. I hope you are blessed by the following excerpts from God With Us.

Feast of Saint Stephen

December 26

The day after Christmas is set aside as a memorial of Stephen, the first Christian martyr. Once again, the church seems to take a counter-intuitive approach, reminding us of sin and suffering hard on the heels of the joyful celebration of the nativity.

But it is possible to see the reason behind this decision. In Advent we were reminded that our longing for the light of Christ is conditioned by the darkness that often surrounds us. In remembering Stephen on the second day of Christmas, the church contemplates the link between life and death, between Christ's incarnation and his crucifixion...

The Christians who made this day a commemoration of Stephen's martyrdom were not sentimental, but neither were they without hope. They believed that we should celebrate our redemption, but never forget its cost.

Written by Beth Bevis in: Rediscovering the Meaning of Christmas; God With Us, Pennoyer & Wolfe, Paraclete Press, Brewster, MA, 2007 (link given below)

Carracci, The Stoning of Saint Stephen

We often think that when December 25 is past, Christmas is over. But no, this rich, extended feast is just beginning. The whole of Christmas- all twelve days of it- is about the Incarnation. This central mystery of Christian faith is brought home to us by the infant in the manger, the Child wrapped in swaddling-clothes. The cradle scene stays with us- or at least, is supposed to remain set up- throughout the twelve days. Gazing on the scene of the Nativity is one way to grasp the Incarnation vividly, completely...

December 25 is past, but in Stephen's feast our sense of the Incarnation deepens. Stephen said not a word about the infant in the manger. Instead, Stephen's faith was about the full sweep of who Jesus is. Christmas is about wonder, about the mystery of God entering our world; but it is also about how the Incarnation transforms our world, so that even suffering and death can be endured with hope.

Written by Emilie Griffin in: Rediscovering the Meaning of Christmas; God With Us, Pennoyer & Wolfe, Paraclete Press, Brewster, MA, 2007

The above quotes are from this great new book. I have enclosed the link if you are interested in getting it. This is a fantastic book that has helped me savor Advent and enter into the season of Christmas with a heart of worship. Thanks Sara!

http://www.paracletepress.com/god-with-us-rediscover-the-meaning-of-christmas.html

My heart took delight in all my work. Ecc 2:10

John awakened this morning with a prayer, "Lord, I know I do not deserve to be without pain. I know you suffered in the garden and in your death. But I ask in your mercy, that you would allow a reduction of suffering."

John has repeatedly told me, "I must have an outward focus. I have many thoughts of open-ended projects at the library. I want to help my staff with questions. Having a goal gives me hope."

Several hours later John and his father loaded into the van and went to Buswell Library. John put in several hours of work before his energy faded.

Thanks be to God.

Fellowship with Friends

John's friends Eirik and Randy came to visit on Sunday. I was blessed by a note Eirik sent me after they left. Thought you might be, too. Here is an excerpt, with his permission.

I don't really regard the direness of his health as much as I regard John in the center of God's holy and healing presence. I do see him being clothed in holiness. Tonight I also saw that he could be like his namesake,leaning his head into the bosom of the Lord, and that there was a fountain of life there for him. As a matter of fact, it was God's love that was shining through John for Randy and me tonight... somehow he's already drinking from that Fountain.

Amen. Thanks be to God.

Thanks Be to God!

Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

We were blessed beyond belief yesterday on the day of Prayer and Fasting.

The Lord ministered to me and filled me. Both of the prayer gatherings were filled with love and outpourings of faithful prayer. As my friend Dan said, "It was like everyone wanted to pray and needed a place to do it." Everyone has been praying on their own, but coming and getting to see John and pray in person was prayer-inspiring for many.

For those of you who could not be there, the 7am prayer time was an intimate circle of thirty or so. We did Morning Prayer and shared communion standing in a circle around the altar. Then everyone circled around me and prayed for me. John was not able to be there.

The evening healing service was at an AMiA church in Wheaton. The worship space is in the round and peacefully lit with candles. There is an altar in the center with an enormous crown of thorns suspended over it. The entire sanctuary is surrounded with charcoal drawings of the Stations of the Cross. The main seating area felt packed to those sitting in the pews. There were 80 or 90 in attendance. The service began with scripture readings and a short homily. Our friend Eirik led the service, Stewart led the Litany of Healing and Randy led the music. A German professor from Wheaton College shared her testimony of healing from cancer 12 years ago with many beautiful scriptures about healing. One that touched me was the man who approached Jesus and said, "If you are willing you can make me well." Jesus said, "I am willing." Jesus the same yesterday, today and forever.

After the homily and testimony there was a Litany of Healing prayers. After this there was an anointing of John with oil and laying on of hands by the clergy present. The entire congregation then moved forward and showered John with prayer after prayer for his healing. (Oh, I forgot this part. Just as everyone was about to begin these prayers John needed a potty break. If you know John, this is so... John. Who else would interrupt their own healing service to announce to the congregation he needed to skip to the lu? :)) At this opportune moment, the group prayed specifically for me. There was a prayer for the releasing of the "knot" in my stomach and I felt this happening.

John was so exhausted by the time we got to the service, he stretched out on the pew and slept some during the communion.

There are many things I am still soaking in and chewing on after this incredible day. I will end this post with my summary of the charge given by our friend Jeremy at the conclusion. He said that in prayer for John he had received a picture of the parting of the Red Sea. When the Israelites reached the impassable sea and the Egyptians were at their backs, God did not part the waters immediately. He sent a wind in the night to blow the waters back. In the same way, we should not give up when we do not see instant results. Instead, when we awaken in the night or drive down the road, pray that the wind will continue to do its work in John's body.
Amen. Thanks be to God.

Day of Prayer and Fasting

I began this morning with a prayer service at 7am. Thanks to our friends Dan and Sandy getting their family up and over to our home at 6:30 am, I could go to the service while the rest of the Fawcetts slept. The Morning Prayer and Eucharist is a regular occurance at our Ministry Center, but today's service was dedicated to specific prayer for our family. Over thirty people gathered and offered precious prayers on our behalf. I was blessed and encouraged beyond belief. One prayer was something like, "John is a man like Zechariah who knows only a fine line between this life and the life of glory. John has taught us and brought us into this reality many times through worship. May his son, Josiah, have this gift and excede him in it. May both of the children see the reality of these two worlds meeting as You, Lord, reach down and heal John's body." I am thrilled to receive prayers for healing for John and blessing for our children.
These are difficult days. All of us are under a lot of stress and we need prayer and support to live our days in love instead of frustration. Thank you all for your prayers. The prayers of the saints are with us.
We arrived at the Cancer Center at 10am this morning for a day of treatment. John's Hemoglobin is 7.6, which is up from 7.0 last week. He will now receive two units of blood which will take four hours. I am working on the bulletin for tonight's service from the treatment room and sneaking in a little blog around the edges.
Between his naps, I am reading John the prayers I received from many of you for this special day. We are looking forward to the service tonight as well. May the Lord fill us all with his presence as we seek his face for healing today.

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope your hearts were encouraged by taking a day to count your blessings. One of the things on my list of thanksgivings this year was a pancake. I am not a huge fan of pancakes in general, but when I found one on the floor of the kids' bedroom, it made me smile. "How did you get here, little pancake? I bet somebody grabbed you from the table before breakfast began. I hope the fact that there was only one bite missing didn't mean that sly snacker disapproved of you?" Alas, no, many high protein pancakes were consumed around the table this morning.




The night before Thanksgiving John decided to stop taking his pain medication. For a variety of reasons, he wanted to see how his system would respond without it. For three days now John has been basically in bed with extreme fatigue and pain. It is amazing to see what kind of deterioration the pain medication has been masking. There are now three or four growths on John's ribs/shoulders that are visible and warm to the touch. I see a certain retreat in John's eyes when he is in pain. He is looking at me, but something in him is deep inside fighting for life. He describes this as "exhaustion," but I think most of us would say, "Ouch!" He can barely keep his eyes open and I can tell that the bustle of family life is draining him.




As I mentioned in a previous post, Church of the Resurrection is holding a Day of Prayer and Fasting for our family this Tuesday, November 27th. If you are able to fast, pray, or send us a prayer, we would be blessed. If the Lord has given you a scripture that you pray for our family, or a specific prayer of faith, please send it to us. We will use these in our home prayers throughout the day. These things can be left as comments to this post, if you like.

Becoming

"The primary job of every father (and mother for that matter) is to become who God has made you to become." This word was given to us by our dear friend Stephen G. John and I were sharing with Stephen and Barbara our disappointments about not walking this journey as well as we would like to. We have moments of hope and moments of despair. When we are listening to the voice of the Lord, we are held steady. When we listen to voices of fear or accusation, we falter.

As we consider how this journey is impacting our children, we were comforted by Stephen's counsel. We cannot control our circumstances. The only thing we can do is to continue to become in Christ. Even though outwardly we may be wasting away, we can continue to say "yes" to Jesus and grow into who He has made us to be. What more does a child want than to see his father meeting each challenge with faith in the goodness of God and perseverance in the valley?

My heart was fortified by this reminder to continue to become. Sometimes I am tempted to give up and let things roll me over like a tidal wave. I can fill my lungs with a deep breath of peace when I think about becoming. I know all I have to do is say, "Yes, Lord." I don't have to figure everything out. I don't have to try to control things. I don't have to mourn the past or fret about the future. It is all in His hands and I say, "Yes, Lord." There is life until our last breath when we are becoming in Christ.

Lord, help me not to resist becoming through my chilly responses of the heart. Forgive me for being critical, blustery and closed. I am warming my hands on the burning fire of your love.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:16-17



"That fierce imprisonment in the self is but the obverse of the self-giving which is absolute reality..."

--The Problem of Pain

You are Sarah's Daughter

Today is my 38th birthday. For the last few years my birthday has been a reminder of John's illness. On my 35th birthday we met Dr. Raizer. We were told after John's surgery on August 31, 2004 that a doctor from the Tumor Board would come to meet with us. On September 1st Jeffrey Raizer walked into John's room in the ICU and said, "I'm Jeff Raizer, the neuro-oncologist." I said, "Did you just say oncologist? We were told this was not a cancerous tumor." And so the journey with treatments and recovery began.

This week we decided to begin an experimental treatment protocol. Dr. Hantel, the Russian Orthodox oncologist whom I love, recommended we try this vascular inhibitor instead of traditional chemo. This is the same treatment Dr. Raizer recommended, in fact it is Raizer's study. The process of getting baseline data for the study should begin next week including MRIs, lab work, etc etc. We hope to have the medication within two weeks. No one can predict the results with certainty, but our hope is that the decay of John's bones will cease so that healing can occur. Continue to pray about the calcium leaking into his blood, as this is dangerous.

If you have read John's blog, you will know the word God gave him about living a long life. John desires to grow in faith because as we read in Romans 4: 3 "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness." I have reflected on the life of Sarah as I enter a journey with my "Abraham". God did not speak the promise to Sarah, he spoke it to Abraham. But that word effected Sarah's life and required of her great faith. How am I to grow in faith as I walk alongside John on this journey away from Ur and smack dab into a desert?

When I asked this at a prayer gathering, my friend Barb said, "You know what it says in I Peter 3:4? You are Sarah's daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear." Alleluia. This is my verse!!

Lord, help me to do what is right. Help me to give my life away in love and service, keeping nothing in my bag for later. And Lord, I confess my fears and my propensity toward listening to the words of the world, the flesh and the devil. I will listen to your word and it is DO NOT GIVE WAY TO FEAR. Keep me in the life of the Spirit which is the life of the moment... and there I find you.

Psalm 27

The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

"You have not because you ask not."

We are asking God to teach us how to pray in line with his desires. Does God desire for John to live a full life and raise his children to maturity? Absolutely. We are learning to ask for what we do not have... health... and wait for God's response. One of our desires in this process has been to learn to pray for physical healing. I have asked the Lord to bring to our door any particular resources that would help us including books, tapes, prayer warriors, etc. I am delighted by how many wonderful resources have come our way. Two in particular have shaped my prayers lately. The first is a book called Father Arseny that was given to John by a wonderful Orthodox priest from Michigan. Father Arseny was a priest in Russia during Stalin's rule. He was put into a "special" labor camp that was designed to kill its prisoners over time. This type of camp differed from a Nazi Concentration Camp in that they were not outright murdered there, but the conditions of work, sleep deprivation and hunger made it such that very few ever finished their sentence and were released. The conditions in this camp were horrible. Not only were they subject to hunger, freezing, painful work and humiliating abuse from authorities, the men within the barracks often killed one another over food or clothing. This painful story of a godly man amidst suffering has shaken John and me each night as we read it aloud. (I must admit that the first time John brought out Father Arseny on one of our retreat nights I couldn't believe it. A retreat night filled with stories of suffering from the Gulag? Surely you jest. I thank John now for his initiative, as I have been changed by the witness of Father Arseny. Not the least of which is the reminder that our suffering with cancer is a DROP IN THE BUCKET to the suffering in this world.)


Father Arseny has become a spiritual director of sorts for me. When I saw how he responded to tremendous suffering in love and how his prayers changed the people and circumstances of his barracks, I thought, "I am going to model my walk through suffering after Fr Arseny. Whatever he does, I am going to do." Here is an example that shaped my prayers for John. One night a fight broke out in the barracks in which men were being mortally wounded. The unspoken rule of the camp was never intervene. Anyone who tried to stop a beating would be killed. The men stood watching a brutal scene. Father Arseny pleaded with one of the pack leaders of the "criminals" asking him to stop the fight. He said, "Can't your God stop this fight? I will do nothing." Father Arseny, always in prayer, paused a moment, raised his hands over his head and stepping into the fight said, "In the Name of God I order you to stop this." And then he whispered, "Now tend the wounded." The fight came to an immediate hault. Men dragged out the dead bodies and helped the wounded to their bunks. The criminal leader said later to Fr Arseny, "I am beginning to believe there is a God."


From this story I took a prayer that I use every night for John. John's body is being attacked by a disease. I can feel the heat of it working just beneath the skin on many parts of his body. Now part of my prayer each night is always one with raised hands saying, "In the Name of God I order you to stop attacking John's body." This part of following Fr Arseny has been easier for me than the continuous love and selfless help he offered to those around him. (I'll write more on this confession later.)


Just briefly I will tell about the second prayer resource that I have begun to use. I mentioned in my previous entry about the retreat we had at St. Mary's. There we received prayer from Father Brad. Our hearts were deeply encouraged by his faith in God's willingness and ability to heal John. He began with simple things like, "You need to look into eating highly oxygenated foods." and "Make sure John reads the healing stories of Jesus everyday and keeps them in the front of his mind." We loved that. When he went to pray for John, he anointed him, began an intercessory prayer language and then said, "Cancer cells I curse you. I curse you and send you away from John's body. Immune system, I speak life, health and strength to you." I am sure there were many other prayers, but those are the ones that stuck with me. Fr Brad prayed with an authority like that referenced by Jesus in Luke 10: 19, "I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." I have added these prayers as well. I am embracing a growing feeling of being a fool in faith. There is no earthly reason for hope or faith, and yet we continue to grow and change through Christ's love and mercy to us.


Lord, we need health and so we humbly ask that You would provide our needs.

Compassionate Prayer

Charlotte had a wonderful overnight campout with the Chelsens last Friday. While we sat in the ER, she enjoyed bubbles, singing by the fire and several spider bites. At breakfast this morning her wrist was hurting and swollen. She said, "I think you should pray for me." John and I each took one of her hands. I was touched by his prayer. It went something like this, "Thank you Lord for Charlotte. Thank you for your love for her. Sometimes along life's way we encounter attacks of the Enemy like this spider bite Charlotte has. These bites from the Enemy can cause us to doubt that You are with us, or to doubt that You love us. Let Charlotte know how much you love her. We ask that You will come and take the sting out of this bite. Let the pain go from Charlotte's hand into your body on the cross. We thank You, Lord that this bite will get better. It will not always hurt or itch like it does now. In your name,Jesus. Amen."
As my friend Sally tearfully said when she heard this, "com-passion is with-pain." One who has had pain exudes com-passion for others.
Lord, use the smallest bites we experience to give us compassion for others.

A Prayer of Faith

I know that I am called to love and support John in sickness and in health.
I know that God can break into a hopeless situation and bring hope and healing.
I know that we are not to live in fear, but faith.

However, I have had to ask the question,
"What does the prayer of faith look like in this situation?"
Does offering a prayer of faith mean that I have no fear?
Does it mean that I am not aware of the seriousness of John's health situation?

How, Lord, am I to pray?

I asked our friend Fr. Mario Bergner these questions when he was here for a visit. He encouraged us from the book of Mark where the father of a demon-possessed boy says to Jesus, "If you are able to do anything, have pity on us and help us." Jesus says, "If you are able!- All things can be done for the one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out, "I believe; help my unbelief!" Mario encouraged us to begin our prayers by confessing unbelief. Once the sin of unbelief is confessed, there is room for a prayer of faith to be given. I have found this to be true! When I come to prayer for John each night, I anoint him with oil. I often have no idea what to pray, but confessing unbelief and simply beginning these prayers makes a way for a prayer of faith to be given. Each night I am given a prayer for John that is not something of my own making. I often receive the prayer that God is praying for John. God's desire is for John to receive health, life and joy. We do not know exactly how the Lord will answer these prayers. What we do know is that we will follow Him.

I believe; help my unbelief!

Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him. (Job)