The Lord Is Risen! He Is Risen Indeed! Alleluia!

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.
John 11:25

The Morning of the Resurrection 1882
Burne-Jones, Sir Edward Coley (1833-1898)
Photograph by Carol Gerten-Jackson

Thank you all for your love and prayers. We have been united with you in the Spirit because you have carried us in your hearts during your celebration of the Resurrection today.

Visiting John at the hospital on Saturday morning.

I wonder if Dr. Hantel will be surprised to hear John's voice greet him in the morning? He left open a small window for the possibility, but certainly did not expect it. Lord willing, Dr. Hantel will have at least one more coherent conversation with John Fawcett. He will once again have to patiently endure John's twenty-minute response to the question, "On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your pain?" Or perhaps Dr. Hantel will be regaled by the tale of his own starring role as a double agent in one of John's incoherent dreams. Oh wait... that's what happened to me.

Charlotte feeding her Daddy the custard she made.

Beginning Saturday morning, John's mind began to clear. His lungs are still compromised and he is very weak, but it has been wonderful to have John back (culinary critiques not included).

Friends from Church of the Resurrection moving furniture to make room for a hospital bed.

Thank you all for building a wall of love and prayers around us this weekend. Blessings to you.

Good Friday

We began Lent by lighting four candles on our cross.

In the same way we add Light during Advent, we remove a light each week during Lent.

Throughout Lent we have anticipated Good Friday.

When I came home from the hospital tonight, it was time to blow out the final candle of our Lenten cross.

We remember the extinguishing of the Light of Christ as we blow out the final candle on Good Friday.

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

II Cor 4: 6-11

Never before have I come to a Good Friday so aware of my need to be delivered from death.

Never have I so yearned to see the life of Jesus revealed in a mortal body.

Do you read that passage from II Corinthians the way that I do? We carry the death of Christ in our bodies so that his life may be revealed.

Yes. Death is at work.

Yes. Life is at work.

In Christ, life always comes from death. I have no earthly reason to expect to see the glory of God in John's body.

Jesus trampled down death by death.

I cannot know how God will manifest his glory through John, I only know that both life and death are at work and that Easter is coming.

In the eyes of the Oncologist, there is no hope for life. John is not responding to the treatment they are giving. The fluid in the lungs is not decreasing. There is pneumonia and, as the doc said, "funky ribs" from bone disease. John is not able to communicate most of the time. It is heartbreaking to see a quick-witted man unable to find a single word to express a simple need. If there is not a miraculous change in John's breathing, mobility and coherence, the treatment he is receiving will not continue past Monday. We will bring John home and begin hospice care.

Take heart, we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. And as my friend Margaret prayed today, "We are not ready to give John over to death. While there is breath we will pray for healing."

I hope you will not find it inappropriate if I share a small bright spot in my day. A smile slipped across my face as the thought occurred to me, "Its just like John to have a brush with death on Good Friday. Only John would wait until it was liturgically correct to walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death."

Join me in praying for a miraculous Easter resurrection!

In the Hospital

I took John to the hospital for the usual IV fluids this morning. The first nurse that saw him recognized immediately that something was not right. Within minutes we were surrounded by five nurses all working to find out what was wrong. Why had John gone down hill so quickly? What was causing the confusion? I stood there with uncontrollable tears running down my face as they asked me questions. Did I want him to go into the hospital? Did I want to move to home hospice care? My head was spinning.

After checking the level of oxygen in his blood and listening to the congestion in his lungs, a chest x-ray was ordered and he was admitted to the hospital. The x-ray showed some fluid in one of his lungs. The combination of a low oxygen and high calcium seem to be the reason for the sudden crash in cognition. Dr. Hantel thought John improved throughout the day, although he is still unable to speak coherently. "John is unpredictable," Dr. Hantel said. "He may yet pull out of this." Dr. Hantel expects to have a better idea in the morning about what we can expect.

My Dad is spending the night in the hospital with John. I came home to be with the kids. I am actually looking forward to sleeping through the night without worrying that John may wander around the house in confusion.

I am feel the stretch of choosing which members of my family need me most each day.
Do I leave John to be with the kids?
Do I leave the kids again to be with John?

If John were home we would be praying this as part of Compline together.

Be present, O merciful God, and protect us through the hours of this night, so that we who are wearied by the changes and chances of this life may rest in your eternal changelessness; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Book of Common Prayer, p. 133

A Day at the Edward's Cancer Center

We have spent many, many hours at the Cancer Center in Naperville, Illinois. You have been such a faithful friend and sojourner with us. I thought you might like to see a few photos of the experience. I could not photograph everything, since I did not want to violate the privacy of anyone else there to receive treatment.






These are two of the recliners we often occupy during a day of treatment. Here you can also see John's father Bill reading a book.

John and I sit side-by-side and this is our view out the large windows.

Our nurse today, Derrek, has started the blood transfusion. I think is a little creepy that the bag says, "blood product." Is that terminology similar to what you see on bag of Velveeta? This is a "cheese product"? Hmmm.

John wheels his IV bags with him to the computer. He is doing some work for the library.

Right next to the computer is a little kitchenette. This treatment room is mostly used for CHEMO-therapy, but I call this area SUGAR-therapy. This little table is always filled with treats. I thought the nurses brought this stuff in, but they tell me that patients bring it. This baffles me. When I am packing up for the hospital, the last thing on my mind is, "Why don't I bake a pan of brownies!"



The Arts Program employs a number of professional musicians. We do not intersect with musicians every time, but today we did. This is wonderful. They take requests! This time Mary requested Canon in D. I felt like I was at a wedding.

As the sun moves through the sky, we begin to see the reflection of the IV bag in the window.

Mary juiced veggies and puts them in a thermal cup. Bill went to get lunch from Stir Crazy. You can see John's Bangkok noodles waiting for him after he drinks his juice.

After lunch, John goes back to the computer. There is a large puzzle table behind the computer. This man is starting a new puzzle, because John and Bill finished one last time we were here.

In the afternoon, we got a visit from a Therapy dog. Today I am being loved by Snuggles the pug.

And the sun goes down...

In John's words, "This is my post-prandial nap." A little Benadryl doesn't hurt, either.

This is the view from our recliners when the IV is removed. Time to go home! Charlotte and Josiah are at home waiting for Daddy to play the piano for their evening dance.

Thank you for your prayers

A few weeks ago, we were walking through the valley of the SHADOW of death. John's life hung tenderly in the balance. He could barely sit up or move. He was eating less than our two year old son. He was in constant pain. He was incoherent many times throughout the day. We are still in a war, but that battle seems to be behind us. I am absolutely convinced that we were delivered as a result of your prayers. Thank you.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered ... We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

II Corinthians 1: 8- 11

The war goes on and we covet your continued prayers, but let us all pause and give thanks to the Lord for His victory on John's behalf in that battle.

Since that time John has gained over five pounds. He is totally lucid. He has worked at the computer several times. He is less overwhelmed by the children. The blood clot is dramatically smaller. His blood levels are fairly good. He is receiving a transfusion just now to keep his hemoglobin level up.

And as far as his appetite?

I'll tell you what he ate for breakfast:

The Breakfast of Champions
Three scrambled eggs
Four High Protein Pancakes (Recipe forthcoming)
Bowl of Steel Cut Oats
Papaya and Grapes
Freshly juiced carrot, apple, lime, spinach, broccoli, celery and cabbage.

Having John's Mother with us has boosted all of our spirits and nutrition!
Thank you Mary Fawcett.

Surviving

John asked his Mother this morning as he was struggling to get dressed and out the door, "Do people survive this?" We said, "Yes. They do. And you are surviving this, too."

The simplest things are difficult for John. Getting to the bathroom or sitting up for a meal can be exhausting. So getting dressed and out the door to the hospital is an enormous expenditure of energy for him.

We are at the hospital now. His hemoglobin is up to 8.4 after the blood he received on Tuesday. He will receive two more units of blood today to boost him for the weekend.

John's father sat next to his bed this morning and read the Daily Office.

I am feeling better already with antibiotics pulsing through my system. I don't feel terrible, but I still have no voice. Please pray that my voice will return so that I can minister to John. My favorite thing to do is sing to him.

If you missed the post about my brother, check it out below. (It posted on TR.)

Day at the Hospital

Difficult day. We have been at the hospital since 11 am, its now nearly 4 pm. John will receive blood and fluid for three more hours. At 7pm we will go over to the hospital for an ultrasound of his leg. There is most likely a blood clot. He gained four pounds this week, which can only be attributed to large amounts of fluid in his leg. He certainly doesn't eat enough to gain weight. This blood clot is giving him a lot of pain when he tries to get around. We are relatively certain that he has a bladder infection, too.

As I sit here at the hospital, I am feeling anxious. I love having this time with John and watching him cry out to the Lord moment by moment as well as crack jokes when they come to mind. I also feel torn that I am not with my children. They have had all-day play dates four out of the last five days. John's care has required my constant attention and I have needed this kind of support. At the same time it breaks my heart. Please continue to pray for the kids. Now that John's parents are here, I will not need to provide all of the care for John.

We have taken a lot of video footage in the last few days. I got a few moments of John talking on the phone to his friend Mario this morning. He was saying, "I am learning that life is all about loving others. No matter what is happening for me, I am to be loving others."

At 6am this morning, I got up to give John his medication. He was quite sprightly, and had things on his mind. I wanted to get even a few more minutes of sleep and finally had to say, "I'm not listening about Richard P. Strauss any longer. I am going to sleep!" I put a sock over my head and don't know if he kept talking or not!

No visitors right now, please.

Thank you for your ongoing support.

Home again, home again, jig-itty jog

It was a warm and colorful autumnal day as I drove to Naperville to collect John from the hospital. The doctor was satisfied with the progress John made overnight. He was willing to release him knowing that he has appointments scheduled for outpatient care on Thursday and Friday. I was thrilled to gather up all of his personal items and start the homeward process.

Speaking of gathering his personal items, now that this experience is in the past, I will let you all in on a Fawcett family secret. My husband is HIGH MAINTENANCE. If you haven't seen the movie that popularized that phrase, let me just say that HIGH MAINTENANCE applies to anyone for whom a happy stay away from home includes: a box fan, a fluffy pillow, two types of yogurt, freshly sliced papaya, organic honey-sweetend rice pudding, immune support cereal, fresh apple,carrot,and celery juice, an empty Baja Fresh cup, long underwear, white and black socks, an anti-embolism stocking, three forms of reading material including the former and current issues of the First Things Journal, five prescription medications, six non-traditional health boosters, toiletries, cell phone, and the daily Eucharist. We walked out of the hospital with three bags full of personal items and he his total stay was less than 24 hours.

I love this man. He is sensitive in every way, which leads to this type of finaticism about feeling "at home". It also leads to an ability to listen to his own heart and to the voice of God in a way that inspires me to worship and prayer, laughter and love.

Feeling full of IV fluids and what not, John had a burst of vitality. I drove him straight from the hospital to his office. He just had to check into things at work. After dinner and a short nap at home, we went to the concluding night of Redeemed Lives Wheaton.

Let us bless the Lord.
Thanks be to God.

One Day at a Time

Thought I would write a quick note about our medical experiences this week. Yesterday we spent the day on the 21st floor of the Galter Pavilion at Northwestern. This is where the neuroncology unit is located. We talked with Dr. Raizer about his treatment options post radiation. He is suggesting, as he calls it, a "heavy-duty" chemo with side effects ranging from poor heart function to blood in the urine to the basics of hair loss and fatigue. He asked John to return next week to get four scans of his body. On Monday he will have an MRI of the brain and full spine. This takes three hours. On Wednesday he will have a bone scan and CT of the abdomine. These results will assess the results of radiation, note disease progression since May 17 and provide a baseline for chemo effectivenss, if we choose that. On the way out we had to get a blood draw.
This morning, Friday the 20th, the nurse called and said that John had elevated calcium and creatinine in his blood and should go to the ER immediately. We arrived at the ER around noon and just got home after 9:30pm. You can never predict how much time and ER visit will take. I think we have now been in all of the different sections of the CDH ER. Its quite a place, let me tell you. Today I could hear our doctor cracking up about sports and what not. We also heard that his family had been featured on Nanny 9-1-1. What a hoot. Anyway, as it turns out, due to the radiation and the disease, John's bones are leaking calcium into the blood. This can cause kidney or heart failure. John received a medication to treat this condition and we hope he will respond well.
We had planned to spend the night on a prayer retreat. Instead we read the scriptures and prayed in the ER. We are exhausted, but it wasn't really all that bad. It is encouraging for me to come home and write this post. Knowing that I can share my journey with you who read it, helps me feel that I am not alone. Thanks for your companionship and prayer.