Guide Us to Thy Perfect Light

Adoration of the Magi Triptych by Jerome Bosch, Prado Museum

Epiphany.

We use the word to describe a sudden idea, an "aha" moment, a sudden convergence of thought and feeling into a meaningful connection, an illumination of what has been there, but hidden.

Epiphany is the celebration of the Light bursting into the darkness.

Epiphany is always on January 6th, because it follows the 12 Days of Christmas that begin on December 25th. On this day we remember the journey of the kings from the east. They saw an unusual star in the heavens which communicated to them that the King of the Jews had been born. They began a long journey, bearing gifts for the new King. They made a journey of faith to worship. This was not their family of faith, but they were being drawn in by the Star of Light. These kings usher in a new era in history. They are the first Gentiles to worship Jesus, to journey toward him, to bring Him their gifts. They follow a bright star that leads them to the Lord.

The Dürer woodcut, a lifetime impression signed with his monogram and dated 1511, depicts the adoration of the Magi.

These last few months have had their long journeys through dark nights. I have looked up into the dark sky, searching for the star that will keep me moving in the right direction. I did not think about packing any gifts for the trip. What could I give the Lord after an exhausting journey? The only gift I can possibly imagine giving is simply a yielded heart. It sounds quaint and trite and shallow, perhaps, but its true. There is absolutely nothing I could plan to pack or "put on". I came to the end of my own stamina a long time ago.

I have walked a journey of bare-bones humanity. I get up, I do what is before me. I listen for the Lord. My only gift is to simply say, "Yes Lord." My gift is to obey and trust. That is all that is possible. I see no other road. It has not been pretty. Often what the Lord says is, "Let that go." "Lack of love is making this harder for you." "Just do it." My heart has been exposed to the raw, ugly core. And still I hear, "Come to Me. Sit. Give me your burdens. I am here."

There has been no way to plan or prepare. I get up each day trusting that the next step will unfold and that the energy, love and wisdom will be there when I need it. I am amazed to say it has. What I have needed has been there. I am getting a sudden flash of Jesus sending out the disciples and saying, "Take nothing with you, no bag, no tunic, etc." This is not the kind of journey you can pack for. You just set off and trust God for provision because there is nothing else possible!

One gift I have received from the Lord during this journey has been this blog. I have felt supported, true. But its more than that for me. Nothing gives me greater joy than to learn something new, or see something in a new light and then tell someone else about it. I have enjoyed writing about this journey for my own "processing", but my heart leaps with joy when I talk with those of you who say they have been blessed by reading. I just can't believe it! That is the Lord for you. One person suffers and another is blessed through it. That is redemption. Beauty for ashes.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

II Cor 1: 3-7

I have saved this story for Epiphany because it is an example of the Light of Christ bursting into darkness. I received an email from my friend Val back in December. She told me that she had used our story as the capstone of her class, Introduction to Religion. I will let her tell you herself:

Hi Margie. I'm teaching three sections of Introduction to Religion at College of Du Page (about 90 students in all). We are almost to the end of a 16 week semester. It is a general class on religion and how it is studied, but I have total freedom to teach the class any way I want to. I've never been so happy!

Today was my last lecture, and thanks to your blog and the nifty MP3 file I had the perfect way to end the semester. We've just finished three units that were a perfect lead up to presenting your story; for the last four weeks we've been studying religious experience, meaning & suffering, and virtue ethics. Today we looked at your photos, several of the blog entries, and listened to most of the talk. Then we had a class discussion about how you and John have demonstrated each of the virtues through the way you have suffered. At the end of class I asked people to make a list of the three virtues that they thought your testimony illustrated most powerfully.

Prudence/wisdom
Justice
Temperance
Fortitude/courage
Faith
Hope
Love

Most of the students are nominal Christians, plus a few Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists and generally mixed up, sincere seekers after truth. They were TOTALLY into the two weeks we spent on the virtues, and ABSOLUTELY CAPTIVATED by your story. No one dozed off, that's for sure! Now they all want to know what happens, so we will check back in to your blog next week. I'd also like to use it next semester as I'm teaching three more sections of the same class. I could not have devised a better way to end the semester as you and John are living out the realities I've been trying to impart. For example, before we studied the virtues we studied Vicktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. He says there are four anchors that enable us to find meaning in suffering: making a difference for good, living for those who need us, the contemplation of beauty/truth/goodness, and dying with dignity. You and John would make high marks on the "meaning scale" too!

___, my most committed and thoughtful atheist, wrote in a paper that he'd never met a Christian who wasn't just as terrified of death as everyone else. It seemed to him that if Christians really believed what they said about eternal life that it should make a difference in how they died. You've given him a few things to think about.

Love,
Val

Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia.

This journey is not for us to rack up scores for "virtue." We came to the end of our own strength long ago. Going through the desert is tough. Writing a blog about the experience is helpful. All I have to offer is my sometimes faltering willingness to say, "Yes." But nothing could be a greater gift to me than to know that there are people out there who are hearing about the living Jesus through my life. People who otherwise would be totally in the "dark".

This is my testimony. The Lord has carried me through. He is here.

A LIGHT shines in the darkness.

He is at the computer again!

Dear friends,
Wanted to let you know that John posted a blog today.
Praise the Lord.
Margie
http://www.johnfawcett.blogspot.com/

Thank you for your prayers

A few weeks ago, we were walking through the valley of the SHADOW of death. John's life hung tenderly in the balance. He could barely sit up or move. He was eating less than our two year old son. He was in constant pain. He was incoherent many times throughout the day. We are still in a war, but that battle seems to be behind us. I am absolutely convinced that we were delivered as a result of your prayers. Thank you.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered ... We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

II Corinthians 1: 8- 11

The war goes on and we covet your continued prayers, but let us all pause and give thanks to the Lord for His victory on John's behalf in that battle.

Since that time John has gained over five pounds. He is totally lucid. He has worked at the computer several times. He is less overwhelmed by the children. The blood clot is dramatically smaller. His blood levels are fairly good. He is receiving a transfusion just now to keep his hemoglobin level up.

And as far as his appetite?

I'll tell you what he ate for breakfast:

The Breakfast of Champions
Three scrambled eggs
Four High Protein Pancakes (Recipe forthcoming)
Bowl of Steel Cut Oats
Papaya and Grapes
Freshly juiced carrot, apple, lime, spinach, broccoli, celery and cabbage.

Having John's Mother with us has boosted all of our spirits and nutrition!
Thank you Mary Fawcett.

I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. Psalm 142: 6

Tonight two young men from the worship team at Church of the Resurrection came to minister to John in song. Justin played the piano and John sang. It was beautiful. Their love for the Lord and their love for John poured out on all of us.

We were joined by John's parents and his Uncle John and Aunt Kerry from Virginia. We ended the evening singing Great Is Thy Faithfulness together.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;

There is no shadow of turning with Thee.

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;

As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me.

Encouragement from Friends

John has received beautiful letters of thanks, love and care in the last few weeks. Justin gave me permission to reproduce some of his letter to John below.

December 5, 2007
Dear John,
I just want you to know how grateful I am for you, and for my friendship with you. You have been so warm to me since we first met, and have taken me under your wing. You have encouraged me in my walk with the Lord, and specifically in my understanding of what the true worship of God in the context of the Church can look like.

In the summer of ’04, you asked me to help lead worship at Rez! Yikes!!! You took me to Shane’s Deli to walk me through the process of choosing the songs and thinking through the theology of a particular worship set and service. I remember we talked about Schmemann, of course, and about the general progression of coming to the Table, looking Upward and finally Outward. I confess I think I only understood about half of what you were saying (ha, ha!!), but I knew from that conversation that what you were talking about was most definitely something I wanted to internalize and live out for the rest of the my life. After reading Schmemann for myself (and most recently writing a paper on his theology of the eucharist for Dr. Henri Blocher) and just being at Rez and worshiping the Lord, under your leadership, I now think I grasp a little more what it was that you were talking about that day. It has taken me several years to basically get the hang of what worship leading at Rez is like, but you’ve been patient and encouraging all along…especially in my hymn playing, which needed A LOT of help!

John, I know you are walking through the fire right now, and I want you to know that there is a great cloud of witnesses, both here and among the great company of Heaven, from ages past and from our time (your friends!) who stand and salute you and praise God because of you. Moreover, the members of the Holy Trinity are interceding on your behalf, both by high priestly appeal (Heb 7:25), but also by loving prayer so profound that words could not even express it (Romans 8:26-27, 34). In a sense, I see the Trinity engaged in constant conversation about you! Have you considered my servant John?

So to close, can I share with you a few verses that have lifted my own spirit in the last few days? I am using situations in my own life as an opportunity not to deny the four walls of my circumstances but to resolutely (and with the Lord’s strength) look beyond them to fix my eyes on Jesus.

From Hebrews
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Well, John, once again, thank you so, so, so much for who you are, and for your friendship over the last few years. You’ve blessed me, and countless others, more than you can know. I look forward to spending more time together! I pray for you every day.

Tu amigo Argentino,
Justin Jacobson

William the Conqueror

I am so grateful for the people around the world following my blog and praying us along. What support I feel from you all. My close friends around the country check my blog three or four times a day. They want every detail down to the breakfast menu. Others of you are perhaps colleagues of John. You want to pray in an informed way and would like the Readers' Digest version.

I am trying to walk the line between these two groups of readers. To that end, I will say up front that this post is dedicated to my brother. My friends and my brother's connections will want to savor every word. Others of you may want to skip it. Thank you for checking in today, either way!



William the Conqueror
He Came; He Saw; He Conquered.

William is the little brother who shot a bottle rocket at my head as a kid.
He is the little brother who used to sing at the top of lungs while mowing the lawn.
He is the little brother I asked to go inside and get matches when I wanted to "warm my hands" on a homemade fire in our yard.
He is the little brother that dropped everything to come and be with us during this difficult time.
He is the little brother who is my HERO.



My dear brother William came to visit for the weekend. A week ago today he called and said he was thinking of coming. I burst into tears and he was at my doorstep ten hours later. This may seem like a loving action for any one's brother, but for my brother, it involved love and sacrifice for himself, his wife, his children and his job.



William and Kari live in California. To get to Chicago he drove two hours to San Fransisco and then got a flight. They have five children. Their oldest daughter is 6.5 years old. Their youngest son is 2 months old. Kari encouraged William to fly across the country leaving her with five little ones for six days. Her nearest relative is a 30 minute drive. Her parents and brothers helped her through the weekend. She homeschools. She is a saint.



My brother is an ER doc and has a crazy schedule. In order to come to Chicago he had to get several shifts covered. The 12-hour shift on Monday was covered by a collaborative effort between four doctors. The shift was at a hospital three hours away. Each of the four doctors had to drive three hours each way to work their two or three hour part of the whole shift that needed to be covered.

My brother is a can-do kind of a guy. This is what you want in Emergency Medicine. Simply observing the medical process for us from the "other side" felt painfully slow for him. In oncology, no one ever seems to be in a hurry to do anything.

William suggested we call Home Care services to see what they could offer. This was a great suggestion because now John can get IV fluids and blood draws at home.

He was expert at setting up a wheelchair, helping John get in and out of cars. He went to a medical supply store and stocked us up on all kinds of things about which I have not the first clue.

The first morning he was here, he took my kids to Dunkin' Donuts. When he came home he said, "What is the deal with your car seats? They have absolutely no safety factor whatsoever. I would like to replace them." So the next morning he came in heavy laden with two new car seats, a pink princess one for Charlotte.



He jumped in to help in every way. He bought food. He changed diapers. He wiped runny noses. He tickled and tickled and tickled. He bought a Gingerbread House kit and did it with the kids so I could take a nap. He put ink in our printer. He put up our Christmas tree. The first night he put Charlotte to bed and they prayed together. Charlotte prayed, "Lord, bless Uncle William so he can put his healing hands on Daddy and make him better." Amen.



Now that Bill and Mary Fawcett are here, we have re-arranged a bit. They are in our bedroom. John and I are in the guest room. My brother slept on the couch. I was going to sleep on an air mattress on the floor. My brother said, "You can't get good rest on an air mattress for any period of time. Its in the way, you have to re-inflate it everyday. You need a bed." Its fine for someone to make an assessment that a bed is needed, but William made it happen. He took his huge rental Suburban out to a bed store. He bought a twin bed and frame, popped it in the back, drove it home and set it up. He went to Target and bought sheets and put them on the bed. Ahhhhh. All I had to do was lie down and sleep. How is that for AMAZING?? !!!

William also stood by John's bed and prayed. He was amazed at John's peacefulness. He could not believe the way John is communing with the Lord. "He prays about everything. I was helping him put on an anti-embolism stocking. He stopped and said, 'Let me ask the Lord for help. Lord strengthen me to get this stocking on.' And then he let me help him do it." I know that my brother's view of life and medicine have been stretched after his time with John. John laid his hands on William before he left and asked the Lord to bless and equip him to become all the Lord intends for him. William said, "Watching John go through this, and his perspective on life is amazing. It makes me want to go home and have more kids."



It was hard for both of us to say good-bye at the end of his visit. There were many tears shed all around. I was sad to see him go, but filled with gratitude to Kari for sacrificing him to our family for such a long stay. When William returned, it was late at night and he went right to sleep. In the morning, his children were delighted to see him. A few hours later he was so exhausted he needed to take a nap. He slept for two hours while his two oldest sat on the bed next to him watching him sleep. Abigail said, "I kissed your face and your hair while you slept, Daddy."

John, Charlotte, Josiah and I send the California Clarks our kisses and love.
Thank you William.
Thank you Kari.
Thank you Abigail.
Thank you William.
Thank you Charles.
Thank you Jameson.
Thank you Quentin.
We love you all.

Fellowship with Friends

John's friends Eirik and Randy came to visit on Sunday. I was blessed by a note Eirik sent me after they left. Thought you might be, too. Here is an excerpt, with his permission.

I don't really regard the direness of his health as much as I regard John in the center of God's holy and healing presence. I do see him being clothed in holiness. Tonight I also saw that he could be like his namesake,leaning his head into the bosom of the Lord, and that there was a fountain of life there for him. As a matter of fact, it was God's love that was shining through John for Randy and me tonight... somehow he's already drinking from that Fountain.

Amen. Thanks be to God.

Blessing of Friendship

"Therefore encourage one another and build up each other, as indeed you
are doing."
--1 Thessalonians 5:11

******************************************

GOD, a call, a note, and a handclasp from a friend are simple and
seemingly insignificant. Yet, You inspire these gifts from people we
have a special affection for. These cherished acts of friendship nudge
aside doubts about who we are when we feel low and encourage our hearts
in a way that lifts our spirits. Thank You for the friends You have
given us. Amen.

*****************************************

After the friendship of GOD, a friend's affection is the greatest
treasure here below.
--Anonymous

Men of Rez Helping Out

John's pain seems better this morning. Now that he is not on morphine he is much more lucid. Praise God.

At this very moment six men from Church of the Resurrection are helping around the house. They are cleaning out the garage, hanging bikes, taking down the summer patio furniture, putting up the Christmas tree, etc., etc...
Thank You Lord for your mercy that is new every morning. Thank you for the Body of Christ that is literally surrounding us and lifting us up.


If you have ever seen our garage, you know what a MIRACLE this is!


1 John 3:18
Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.



We are loved. Thank you.

Becoming

"The primary job of every father (and mother for that matter) is to become who God has made you to become." This word was given to us by our dear friend Stephen G. John and I were sharing with Stephen and Barbara our disappointments about not walking this journey as well as we would like to. We have moments of hope and moments of despair. When we are listening to the voice of the Lord, we are held steady. When we listen to voices of fear or accusation, we falter.

As we consider how this journey is impacting our children, we were comforted by Stephen's counsel. We cannot control our circumstances. The only thing we can do is to continue to become in Christ. Even though outwardly we may be wasting away, we can continue to say "yes" to Jesus and grow into who He has made us to be. What more does a child want than to see his father meeting each challenge with faith in the goodness of God and perseverance in the valley?

My heart was fortified by this reminder to continue to become. Sometimes I am tempted to give up and let things roll me over like a tidal wave. I can fill my lungs with a deep breath of peace when I think about becoming. I know all I have to do is say, "Yes, Lord." I don't have to figure everything out. I don't have to try to control things. I don't have to mourn the past or fret about the future. It is all in His hands and I say, "Yes, Lord." There is life until our last breath when we are becoming in Christ.

Lord, help me not to resist becoming through my chilly responses of the heart. Forgive me for being critical, blustery and closed. I am warming my hands on the burning fire of your love.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:16-17



"That fierce imprisonment in the self is but the obverse of the self-giving which is absolute reality..."

--The Problem of Pain