Inch by Inch

Since Sunday morning we have noticed a strengthening in John. He thrived at church and has wanted to chat, watch videos and work. He came upstairs for breakfast yesterday which he had not done in days. Charlotte was so thrilled she jumped from her chair and said, "Let's do Advent!" She seized the moment and brought to the table our Advent prayers, bowl of coffee beans and candles. The moment John's body gets a bit of energy, he comes to life with conversations and curiosity. In one such moment, I got out the video camera and got a few of his thoughts. One thing he said was, "It's a battle. Its a battle. I need prayer and support."

If we get behind on the pain medication, John has a great deal of pain. At bedtime last night he groaned, "How would you feel if you kept going down, down, down and others were giving up on you?" We slept through one time for meds and by the time we awakened and tried to get to the bathroom, he was saying, "Is there ever a time when you are dying that its possible not feel such incredible pain? Am I misperceiving the Lord as giving me pain?" But by the time he got back to the bed he said, "Margie, can you believe it? I'm still alive. The Lord is using you, your prayers along with many others. I am learning things I never would have learned." "Like what?" I ask. "How to love the Lord and love your wife in the middle of inexplicable pain."

Today is a day at the hospital. And, glory to God, its going great. I feel the clenching in my jaw beginning to relax. Now that the swelling is going down in John's leg, he is more mobile. Getting into the van was not as huge an issue. We were thrilled with the results of the blood work. He did not need a transfusion! His Hemoglobin is 10.8, Calcium is stable and kidney function is better than it has ever been. So today we receive only IV fluids and a med for Calcium. Even the nurses and doctor are congratulating John. They notice he is alert and not always using a wheelchair.

With a boost of energy returns his desire for delicious food. He has indicated he would like a little more spice/variety in his diet. You can imagine a diet with no salt, sugar or meat could get dull. I said, "Honey, you tell me what you want and I'll go to the moon to bring it here." I ordered a huge Lou Malnati's pizza with sausage, mushroom, onion, garlic, spinach and fresh tomatoes. We had a feast right in the treatment center.

We will return to the hospital next Monday, skipping the previously-scheduled Friday visit. Alleluia.

One other thing: In the middle of the night he said something like, "I am praying for you Margie. I know you are afraid. You are worried about the burden if I die." "I am crying out to the Lord for your life, John," I said.

I am crying out to the Lord for John's life. AND I am terrified that he is going to die. And it is in those moments... terror... when I foreclose on the possiblity of healing and imagine what I will do if he dies. Now, I know that some of this is perfectly normal and even wise. But the Lord is letting me know when a simple wise amount of forethought has moved into the realm of FREAKING OUT. And then I hear the words from I Peter 3, "You are Sarah's daughters if you do what is right and DO NOT GIVE WAY TO FEAR." As I wrote in a previous post (Staying Connected in the Desert), fear is a weapon of the Enemy for many reasons. For me right now, it causes near physical panic and a lack of prayer. As long as there is breath, I MUST continue to pray for healing. The works of God are not based on what I can see, like a deteriorating body. The works of God bring to be WHAT IS NOT.

For years I have taught others about using prayer to build a ministry, a classroom, a home. Its a simple process when I hold the hand of Jesus. I just say, "Lord, I glorify your Name. I invite You to come into this situation. Show me what You are doing so I can simply follow Your lead." And then I see in my mind's eye whatever it is I desire. These desires have included: children worshiping, children filled with joy, weak wills strengthened, boundaries solidified, and now bones healing. All this prayer is is opening my desires to God and making them a prayer, a prayer of holy collaboration with Him. When fear grips me about John's health, my heart pounds, my head falls and sometimes I do not pray. I think I have been afraid to hope, to really, really hope. I find my heart trying to protect itself from being surprised by shattering grief. But once again I must be present to each moment. My walk of faith is opening my heart to the love and goodness of God and trusting Him with my circumstances. I can be present to Jesus at only one moment: this one.

Pray that I will open and entrust my heart to Christ and invite his love to pour into me again and again.

Lord, give me the courage to trust You.
I lift to You my precious husband, John.
I see him playing the piano and leading worship.
I hear his loud, hilariuos laugh.
I see him carrying Charlotte and Josiah on his shoulders.
I see him leading us through Europe as his friend Mario called his tour guiding, "Following the bouncing grey ball."
I see him dashing off to work in the Silver Bullet.
I hear him expounding on Wagner and Berlioz.
I see him alive and well.

Come Lord Jesus, come.
Amen.