Birthdays come but once a year... thankfully.

Tomorrow I am going with John's sister Katherine to pick out the headstone for John's grave. I stopped by the cemetery last week in the pouring rain. I wanted to see if the grass had started to grow. There was only a shape of mud and weeds. I sobbed and sobbed in the car. Both kids joined me and wanted to hold my hand while I drove home.

I always feel an undercurrent of pain, but some days are excruciating. I never understood how some days could be harder than others. I know there are good days and bad days, but I never understood how a "special" day could become "especially" hard. Since my last post I have endured both my own birthday and Josiah's birthday. There were sweet things about both days, but they were punctuated by stabbing pain and grief.

I'll never forget the first time John played Happy Birthday for me on the piano. I had never heard anything like it before. It was STRONG and ENERGETIC. It brought me to tears and laughter all at once.

And I will certainly never forget the day Josiah was born.

Here's the proud Papa holding his baby boy.

Josiah LOVED his 3rd birthday.

We took the commuter train to breakfast.

He would like to do this everyday.

The ride was accompanied by his questions, "Are we still on the track? Are we tipping over?"

We had his favorite food for dinner. HOT DOGS.



Roasting hot dogs outside with cousins was great fun.

Joining the Ruch cousins for dinner and birthday cake makes for an instant party.

The theme of the day ... TRAINS.

Mama and Nathanael George helping Josiah blow out the candles.

Josiah felt loved and celebrated.

I felt like I had made it through a major hurdle.